Monday, December 3, 2012
Copenhagen Hit By Sonic Boom: Yrma Finds Out Kate's Pregnant With a Globally Anticipated Child
Reports from the Royal Danish Seismological Society have located the epicentre of this afternoon's local tremors: Amalienborg. The front page of BT's Royal section says it all: KATE'S PREGGERS AND THE WORLD REJOICES! Madam MoreMore will not allow it. This cannot stand! Danish newspapers can only consider Mary as the Perfect Princess. That younger and skinnier sheila cannot eclipse Her Bogan Lowliness La Comtesse de Salamanca Market Clearance Sales.
In no time flat, Yrma was on the horn to Dr. Yehudi Geldstein - late of the New York Board of Medical Examiners - coaxing him to cook up the Miracle Triplets. That's right. You heard it. Kate has played her hand and Madam has no choice but to see her and RAISE HER. Yehudi is right now flying to the set of Nicole Kidman's current movie where she is starring as Princess Grace in order to infiltrate as a hairdressing assistant (Søren helped with the credentials) and snip some hair from her nape during pre-filming hair styling. Mix in a little Princess Barbie of the Two-Sicilies DNA (she and her husband may like bloody dictators, but she's definitely a girl - much needed in a Boganson female) and add to the thawing, sad and reluctant Derfie swimmers pre-incorporated with some of hot Haakon's molecules and BOOM. Who's actually got THREE buns in the oven, eh Katie? TOP THAT. Mares had no choice but to concede to Kate the brilliance of being admitted to hospital for the duration. What a bloody amazing way to avoid work and engender sympathy - even if it is true that she needs it! That Mary can spot cunning when she sees it.
Meanwhile, Private Secretary Caroline Heering was instructed to pop off a memo to Lene Balleby, Palace PR Chairwoman Thinggie, as well as to Max Markson in Sydney and The McCann Group, Mary's personal PR agency, to instruct them as soon as possible to arrange for Mary to bring flowers to Kate while in hospital in front of a phalanx of international paparazzi while the turkey baster is being greased up and ready for use. Perhaps even a little speech on hospital steps is in order. GET ON IT, Caroline. You see, Madam must be photographed still able to fit into her free sample size clothing for the cameras before putting one more bullet in the gun she holds to Derf's head. Notes are made by Mary's planning team to have paramedics on standby during her New Year's Kur Make-Out Session that will top the live-tv one from Daisy's 70th birthday nearly three years ago. Pas på, Derf Man.
Condolences may be sent in the form of whisky to Crown Prince Frederik at Amalienborg. They will be forwarded to him at the apartment of his latest girlfriend.