Thursday, November 11, 2010

Billed Bladet #44: Crumbs for Mary

"Almost a mother of four: Mary's new life", "Big upheaval for the whole family" say the headlines. They may be predicting more than just two more cribs in the corner! BB decides to give the cover to Mary after many weeks of their pro-Marie agenda so as not to let down the side with Mary. Over on the side is Caroline Fleming, who announced she's expecting a son with her bogan football player, oh, and there are Marie and Joachim, looking like a well-balanced married couple ready to "lift the veil" (interesting language, BB) on how they're going to spend Christmas this year. Can anyone remember?

"Mary's new life: twins and moving". Moving where, alas? Oh dear, that isn't Jock's wind truck unloading what the movers are loading on the other side of the palace, is it? Follow that truck to the nearest Qantas flight!

Wow, that is one long torso, and a very saggy bottom, Miss Mary!

"New Life in Granny Ingrid's Old Palace". A story on how 10 years after Ingrid's death, the crown princely couple is moving in. The blue-lit photo and hovering Ingrid shots make this spread one big tarot card predicting a haunted home.

An awkward night at the royal theatre.

The royal court attended as well. There's Fred's new private secretary/minder (the new Per) Christian Schønau and his wife, and Lene Balleby who got madam's memo that all righteous cougar ladies wear reptile prints on their shoes.

Victoria and Mary are in the same dress, just different colors, but we're treated to the full length version with excellent posture from Vicky.

Royal Roundup: Harry and his new blonde, Gemma Wilkinson; Madeleine shopping with her bestie in NYC; Empress Michiko in her garden; Haakon and Mette Marit on bikes; and the commoner father-in-law to a future Scandinavian consort. Hm, no pinkie signet ring, so it must be Olle Westling! I don't believe Jock "Half-Mast" Donaldson has ever been invited on a royal hunt, as has Daniel's father.

Daisy: "I cried all that I could". It is hard coming to the realisation that a vulgar bogan has invaded the precious 1000 year old dynasty that you claim to want to protect. Don't be too hard on yourself, old girl. Oh, wait, this article is about how Daisy has written a book with her bestie, Susanne Heering (mother-in-law to Mary's estranged lady-in-waiting Caroline). It is based on her own childhood memories of Tivoli. She is proud that all of her grandchildren have attended her ballets except for lille Henrik who is still too young. Xian and Izzy went last year and looked upon their creative FarMor Daisy's play with dull, glazed-over expressions (Donaldson genes aren't exactly artistic), so Daisy may not bother this year!

Royal Mailbag. "What is the fanfare that the queen enters state dinners"? Funnily enough, it is called "The Queen's Fanfare". You can get it on the "Garden i galla" cd as played by the Life Guards' Music Corps.
This letter must have been written by Mary: "where in Stockholm are the Swedish royals buried"? Oh, Mary, you can't kill Victoria, it would be too suspicious.
Here's an interesting question: "Does Crown Prince Frederik have an email address? I'd like to ask him a question". Signed, Royal Dish? :) No, of course Fred doesn't have a published email, but you can offer psychiatric services via or send him whisky via snail mail at the addy listed.

BB nostalgia page from 1958 when young Daisy turned 18.

Fred attended a benefit for Greenlands' kids and met one of their best advocates Julie Berthelsen upon whose soft skin Fred was driven to plant a wet one. Funny how just next to this "Fred practising on other women" photo is a promo for the new book that's out: "10 Years with Mary". Cause: Effect.

Bubbles, millinery version. Clockwise from upper left:
Daisy: "No, Henri, they go on your feet"
Daisy: "Finally, I can use the wireless vaccuum"
Daisy: "I'm sponsored by Adidas"
Joachim: "Mor will wear this for the harvest festival"
Mary's young friend: "Fasten your helmet back there, I'm stepping on the gas"

Haven't seen any Mary appearance in Style Finder for a while, but now we see Christian with weaponry, as if to remind all the Danish readers that this little one is more loyal to the UK and will fight to the death for her. Long Live The Queen (Elizabeth)! The little pict's shirt cost about AUS$100. Of course.

Among some of the random bits and pieces found in the magazine this week, there is a little mention of a freebie bracelet Mary wore 2 1/2 years ago by someone who is dating one of the Real Danish Housewives of Hollywood (subtext: Mary is as shallow and vain as those plastic whores). Meanwhile, further down, is mention of Caroline Heering's move from being Mary's private secretary and lady in waiting to doing work as an "advisor" now for The Mary Fund. Mary must be a nightMare(s) to work with! Poor Tanja Doky is left to be Mary's LIW. All is not well in paradise. How long until a second LIW, or until Tanja quits!?

Prince Joachim and Marie say Screw it! "We're making our own traditions"! Is he really just talking about Christmas, or is this more long-term, as in: this is how we will rule Denmark if you just get over the Fred-love and overthrow his lazy arse!

Joachim and Marie have been tapped again to travel to China around the end of November, promoting Danish design and food. They will go to Hong Kong, Macao and Beijing. They'll open the Danish Design Jewellry exhibit that they also did last year in Hong Kong. No plans yet on whether lille prins Henrik will also go.

Daisy welcomed colleagues from the Danish Scenographers Society. Daisy knows how to maximise her quality of life: she has a passion for the theatre and nurtures her creativity and relationships. Studies have shown that one ages much faster without those interests (anything, people). Add on top of Mary's genetic death wish (mother had heart disease and grandmother dying from breast cancer at 42) and we may never see a pictish Queen on the throne!

Baroness Caroline announced that she is expecting a son with Nicklas Bendtner. She's expected to give birth at the beginning of December in London.

Society wedding! Baroness Caroline's step-brother, Count Frederik Krag-Juel-Vind-Frijs, was married to young Julie at the family castle, Valdemars Slot. All of Daisy's friends in the upper nobility came. There are Caroline's father and step-mother and half-sister in the lower lefthand photo on the second page. Sadly, neither Caroline nor her sister Duddi could come as Duddi had just given birth and Caro's about to. Both are in London.

"Biscuits and kisses in the snow". Victoria and Daniel had an outing in the snow of north Sweden, but it seems that Vickan took up most of the room on the card with her signature and didn't leave much place for Daniel's autograph. Lots of kisses and makeup for thatty. Daniel was presented with a married prince's cake, a local baking contest winner: "Wow, it's terrific!"

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Billed Bladet #43: Christmas Chez Marie!

"Margrethe breaks with tradition: Christmas with Marie" screams the headline with a benevolent floating Daisy head next to a very lovely photo of Marie. Mary and Fred are relegated to the bottom of the page - surely hidden by the magazine stand's support braces - that shows the couple in extreme discomfort, in each other's company as well as that of wounded soldiers. Mary is no royal - and nor it appears is Fred. (Where was the comfort for the wounded? Perhaps too well aware that he is no soldier either, Frederik had his arms folded around the soldiers. Either a complete lack of empathy - or he was defending himself against a "Who is this pale, febrile, hagridden fellow in our midst?" from the competent, masculine warriors he dared front.)

While we wait for the Yuletide season, Fweddy takes widdle Xian Amin Mugabe Ceausescu Beelzebub on his first hunt. Aw. I guess we should add Pol Pot to his string of names!? The Stalinesque glint in the wee chap's eyes is just a tad discomfiting. Is it strange that the woman who insists that she "cried about Bambi" regarding the DRF's hunting habits allows her son to hunt? Not really! Mary weighed up her son's psychological health against losing her access to Cartier, Prada ... the rest is obvious!

Another week of fashion, and no Mary or Marie. BB tries a different tack by keeping Mary out, but giving the spotlight to her competition. Or is it that even liberal Denmark is not ready for Mary's fetishistic, thrusting sexualising of her pregnant state? By contrast, here's a very cute Victoria looking sexy and showing a bit of upper thigh. This is accidental, however, unlike Madam's blatant 3/4 turn of a bare leg while standing in water, legs parted and wearing a shortie bathing coverup. Mary, your photo shoot reeks of desparation, while the still young and nubile Victoria looks like the happy and satisfied wife of a very loving man ... and subject to coy, loving glances from her good friend Frederik.

Daisy and her Frenchman will soon be heading to the French corner of Denmark! Marie and Joachim will have the honour of hosting Mor in Møgeltønder, as far away from Copenhagen as one can get! (A silver-lining moment arising from Mary's otherwise disastrous pregnancy.) Daisy will ensconce herself in the gentle countryside with her three French-speaking grandsons, the alert, regal, sensitive and intelligent offspring of beloved son Joachim. Quel contrast to Febrile Fred's autistic, bogan sprogs! Too bad Our Izzy can't join Farmor Daisy and spend time with a loving family over the holidays and pick up a little French from grandpère Henrik at the same time. If Mary's bogan rellos show up, however, look out for a little "cultural rescue from bad influence" and Xian and Isabella safely with the Marie side of the family for a few days, in the guise of "giving Mary some rest".

After the good news is delivered about Her Majesty gracing Schackenborg with her Yuletide visit, BB reminds its readers that Mary will be stuck in Copenhagen with Fred and the kids at the new, furniture-free palace (sly BB offering a hint for a freebie from business, but highlighting Greedy Mary in the same moment). The beautiful Marie, Daisy and Henrik's darling, dodged a bullet with this one - she can't very well host a woman who must give birth in the capital city, after all. And we know Mary has form in the "green looks" department. Mary would simply have been unhappy in the wealthier, more aristocratic atmosphere of the Schack, and made it her business to knock the joy out of Daisy's family celebrations. (BB's subtext: Poor Danish royals - you scored an own goal didn't you, letting Mary into the family. We trust Danish Security were all sacked for being asleep on their watch from 2000 to 2004!)

In a spread about certain famous Danes who were alive when ABBA's music was hitting the airwaves, they ask Joachim for a little pop culture insight. He's been listening to their music since he was about 6. Joachim has traditionally been seen as the stiff, formal brother. BB is quietly mounting a campaign - with Daisy's express permission - to introduce the real, human, warm, fun side of the prince to the public, while Frederik's febrile incompetence is put on show with solitary assignments in the Frozen North. If this Jokke PR thing works, who knows what may become of such goodwill ...

Professional Joachim continued his goodwill mission to Ghana with CARE Denmark. He is so comfortable in his skin! He goes from meeting to alligator wrangling (he is adroit and bush-savvy due to his time on a farm in Wagga Wagga in southern New South Wales, where he hung with the squattocracy and met the Tarnawskis. Fred's time in Australia, of course, was, by contrast, spent at a sex industry advocate's rented house and at Tasmanian wine tastings). Joachim went shoreline feet-cooling with the greatest of ease. Note that Joachim wore a CARE t-shirt. Mary, of course, only wears European declassé snob labels ... Don't believe there was ever a time when a local tribe ever allowed Frederik to wear the garb of a respected visiting leader. Jokke was treated with his deserved status, the same that would be accorded a visiting King.

Charming Princess Marie greeted internationally popular author J. K. Rowling during a visit to Denmark and presented her with a prize. Despite the anglophone monolingualism of the country's Crown Princess, no one wanted the awkwardness of Mary meeting and trying to supercede the visiting author, despite their shared Scottish origins. J. K. Rowling was quite smitten with Marie - and quite possibly relieved upon learning that she would not be "looked up and down twice" by a competitive she-wolf on steroids.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are not only at their 10th wedding together, but are seen walking together at one for the first time. Look for an early 2011 announcement! Fred's mummy, er, cousin Lilibet wouldn't approve a bogan. Kate has been carefully trained and vetted on the advice of cousin Daisy, who has learned the hard way. Her training has apparantly included one of Daisy's ideas: how not to throw a temper tantrum when an ex-girlfriend (in this case Jecca Craig) appears at the same function. (Once again, we remind you of Mary's emotional blackmail before the engagement, gauchely crying up a storm at a party at the Hotel d'Angleterre in Copenhagen, because Frederik spoke with a married ex.)

Countess Alexandra and Martin took the boys to visit Japan over the autumn class holidays. They left the day after Xian's birthday (this vacation may have even been a little thank you pressie for bothering to show up at all). What wonderful, cultural exposure for the increasingly cosmopolitan young princes! Xian can look forward to future visits to Mount Wellington in the Hobart suburbs, Salamanca Market shops during 75% off sales and Unca Peter Donaldson's preferred airstrip near Orford! Until, that is, he's old enough (10 should do it) for Daddy to decide to take him to various, er, "shopping" strips in Thailand. Sorry, Xian, you'll just have to wait!

Goodness. Poor Daisy can't count on her eldest son any longer as he rides out his benders with foreign sailing weekends, so she has to rely on a member of the family her mother tried to ensure would never be a problem again: poor, would-be king cousin Ingolf and his sweet wife Susie. They have endured the indignant and rude behaviour of Mary many times, most notably during lille Henrik's christening when she just completely ignored them under the pretext of "caring for the children" despite being 6 inches away. They deserve to be thrown a crumb!

BB is very sharp to add these nostalgia pages to the magazine these days as Mary and Fred ride destiny's elevator to the monarchy's basement floor. That's Daisy in the upper righthand photo with Norwegian cousin Harald, father of real man Haakon. Daisy was on break from her English boarding school at the time, North Foreland Lodge. BB subtext: this is is quite far removed from skipping Taroona High School to hang out with cousin Jackie, wife of a convicted child rapist, Brendan Johncock, at the Hobart Mall!

Interesting. A letter regarding the Order of the Dannebrog includes information and photos of only two of three recipients who were foreign fathers of royal brides. Notice, there is no shot of Professor "Half-Mast" Sluuuuuuurrrrrrrrpppppppson with his youngest gargoyle daughter, replete with pinkie signet ring and the now-corrected gap between his teeth. Professor John Donaldson is probably gnashing those expensive teeth: all that PR effort, and BB just doesn't care! (Could it be that knowledge of Papa Sluuuurpson's blatant and vulgar cashing-in on his daughter's status makes him a very safe target for omission? We're a-thinking so! But we suspect that wearing a signet ring on his pinkie is actually what got Margrethe's goat. )

Another question about Mary's pregnancy. As in a very nice way of asking, what the hell is wrong with her ("Why do you say that Mary's pregnancy is dangerous for her")!? The editor answers immediately that he doesn't think it is dangerous (avoiding a lawsuit from Mary's Scotch lawyer, Rob Roy Woadbod), but multiples are often more risky. Hmmm, we're a thinking this is a set-up for a "See? We told you so!" when the babies are scheduled to be delivered on Christmas Day, a pair of squabs weighing 2 pounds each and golden yellow like featherless chickens. Let's hope they remember to insinuate a tad further with the fowl analogy, that Mary has gone from Rooster (yes, rooster!) to feather duster in six short years!

King Juan Carlos stumbles; Princess Märtha Louise has another angel book; Princess Madeleine wears jeans by The Maria's; Queen Beatrix with the divine Emma Thompson; Wills with Kate Middleton.

A little eye candy for the Viggo Mortensen fans in the house. The Danish-American received the Order of the Dannebrog from the hands of Daisy not long ago, but is still regular enough to go on a low-key shopping expedition with his auntie. Brain.can't.process.thought.of.Fred.&.Benedikte.

Daisy enthusiastically joined in the celebrations of the Swedish royal family's 200th anniversary as the House of Bernadotte. This is the house that Ingrid belonged to. Quasi-French, natch. Daisy made sure sister Benedikte was there, but that her son Fred and his wife were far away, even though this visit was partially in Denmark, just a few miles from where they all live at Fredensborg. Daisy must just love Daniel or she wouldn't bother: just as there are common royals (Fred), there are royal commoners (Daniel), and Daisy is fast learning this.

Daisy planted a tree in the same Sofiero gardens where her mother and still living Uncle Carl Johan spent part of their childhood. These are the gardens where Mary appeared in white after the pregnancy announcement with Xian, and haughty to all the royal cousins around her. Well, Victoria returns in passionate fuschia with a loving husband while Mary's stretch marks are growing by the minute. What a cute photo of a loving pair of siblings, and the spouse of the heir. Hm, just by that sentence alone, you know they aren't Danish!