Monday, February 28, 2011

Billed Bladet #7: Skinny Mary, Haggard Fred

"Mary Skinny Again!" screams the headlines. That must make Mary very happy. She and the older royal gargoyles got a little "cosy family" photo time (spontaneously, of course) to bounce Marie out of the sugar press headlines. Fiche-moi la paix, eh, Marie! BB gets the last laugh with a shot of Mary showing the results of three pregnancies: perpetual bladder problems!

Meanwhile, Marie gets top honours with her chic blue suit from the 350th anniversary celebration of the Supreme Court that was held at the University of Copenhagen.

The whole family except for the birthing icon, were in full force at the Supreme Court to celebrate the 350th anniversary of this illustrious institution.

Daisy and the Dictator! At least this one wasn't given Ceausescu's elephant! That one went to Mary! Seems oddly a propos that the Danish government sent Daisy to hang out in a murderous dictator's country for a few days of Danish-Bahraini diplomacy. That's the kind of government that would allow a non-Danish speaking woman with no genuine interest in your country full citizenship and a free ride with positive publicity in the "free" press.

Daisy at a gallery, and news that the Jørgensen family will be making another film about her for the 40th anniversary of her ascension to the throne next year. What tales will they spin this time? What faux-interest, cocked head interview pose will Mary offer? Stay tuned! This should air next January.

A note about Daisy and her artistic ability. Sly way to underscore the actual talents of the monarch as opposed to the lack thereof in the wife of her heir.

As if we didn't know that practically all of Mary's jewelry was from Dulong, the firm seems to have bought ad space in this week's Style Finder to generate revenue to help pay for the free stuff Ms. Dulong and her business partner Anja (Mary's "stylist") keep giving Mary. If the model can't sell the merchandise, time for a new tack, ladies!

Adorable Frex Ex Maria Montell and her husband are out on the town just a few months after the birth of their 3rd child. Cute, gray bolero, even if it is made of fur.

A feature on what to expect for the baptism. There's the church - Holmens Kirke, where Daisy was married and Freddles was christened. Who else feels that these twins are being marketed as the greatest Danish princelings ever? Or is it just that Xian was just so un-able to sell the dynasty?

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Billed Bladet #6: Marie in the spotlight

BB seems to switch to Mary covers every few issues after heavy Marie coverage, just to keep Madam Mary off BB's French-perfumed scent. The editors of BB can't actually admit openly how much they prefer La Belle Marie - it doesn't help how much the Danish press waged a fierce campaign against her fellow countryman Henrik; oh, what the last 40 years have taught them! - so they have to be very subliminal and discrete. Fortunately, Mary's Asperger's keeps her in the dark on matters subtils! Also, Mary's ADHD keeps her focussed on just the status of the cover, therefore the editors planted a photie of Mary in chandelier earrings on this issue to get her off their scent. Never mind that she's staring at a point beyond a haggard Freddles (which is the closest they could get to her actually planting a gaze on him) and proclaiming her small birthday gathering a "Party at the Palace", implying disco lights, large crowds, a huge cake, and a loving husband and family close around her. Nada. A few glum Foffies (Friends of Fred) were snapped driving up to their home at Amalienborg with tense jaws and hopes that Madam has been sufficiently tranquilised so that the next few hours of pretending to care about her big day will be swallowed by Mary hook, line and sinker. "OR ELSE, HANDWERK!" as Madam might otherwise say, creeping open a wonky eye as her stupor wore off.

Nice contrast of the two Danish princesses. Option One, for the Danes' pleasure, is the Mediterranean olive-complected, multilingual Princess Marie, tinged by the aura of Gallic aristocracy, fully embracing the distinctly harsher weather patterns of her adopted country and enjoying a healthy promenade in the fresh, frigid air with her adoring husband and beautiful, already bilingual, baby. On the other hand, Option Two is the older model, a pale, war-painted princess, abandoning the unsuccessful "sporty" self-branding in favour of a new "mother icon" image, togged in mumsy, poly-blend clothing, exiting hospital with two underweight, turkey-baster lunch tickets and her underweight, featherless chicken of a husband, the once dashing and confident future king. Weigh your choice, carefully, Denmark!

Three carloads of friends pull up to the Amalienborg gates for Mary's party: Jeppe and Birgitte Handwerk, veterans of the 2009 Mediterranean bikini-gate/yachting holiday; Baron Otto and Hologram Helle, a brewer and shoe-in for godmummy to one of the twinsies; Peter and Caroline Heering, a life-long Foffie and his wife, the LIW and personal secretary to Madam; and Ellen Hillingsø, noted actress and life-long Foffie with her husband Christoffer Castenschiold. Judging by their expressions and looks of doom, the theme of the party must be "Ceausescu's Golden Years!" Oh, the quiet agony of the dining table of friends, all silent, staring into their soup while Crown Princess Mary gets up occasionally to pump and puke, as friends in her absence ask Fred with pleading expressions, how are you doing? As in, "DUDE. Seriously. Are you OK!?"

By contrast, Marie and Joachim - who were reportedly at Mary's party, too - decided a more festive evening was in order. BB took a different tack with the French birthday girl and her festive friends, not having to plant a photographer near the palace exit to capture their expressions - we know this crew has fun together! Along for good times were friends Oscar Davidsen Siesbye and his wife, LIW Britt; Agnete and Christian Scherfig; and Henriette and Peter Steenstrup. They all hit Danish star Remee's nightclub Zen for an intimate and fun evening of champagne and dancing.

As a little belated birthday pressie to Marie, BB awards her the royal dress of the week for the very elegant navy shift and fur shawl that she wore in Florence, Italy on an official visit. Very classic, madame! Grace Kelly and Babe Paley are smiling from heaven!

What a winning choice to send Princess Marie to one of the greatest birthplaces of European art and culture. She charmed her Florentine hosts at the European Universities Institute. During a friendly dinner at Giovanni restaurant in the evening, the large Dano-Italian delegation dined on antipasti, ham and mozzarella, goat cheese salad with eggplant, minestrone soup, handmade tortellini, steak with grilled artichokes and potatoes, with various cheeses and a warm orange cake with ice cream. Wise of Daisy to send the one Danish princess who does actually eat. That's the kind of spread that would have Crown Princess Mary excusing herself for the toilet at the end of each course! Must expunge salt and calories before the bogan frame explodes as if she were Mr. Creosote, mid-soup course!

On a visit to a new clinic in Middelfart, Marie continued to charm her hosts and all assembled. With a professional appearance, a warm smile, and a genuine interest in her surroundings and agenda, Marie was a welcome relief from the Kancellihuset Ice Cube who blows a cold wind over everyone except cameramen.

Marie takes Mary's place at the CIFF fashion shows. CIFF isn't something Mary has ever been able to get some positive, international exposure for, but this year, the Mary Court turned out in force at their traditional event, for the debut of the Better Danish Princess and her court (LIW Britt; Henrik godfather Christian and his wife, bridesmaid Agnete). Turf wars were ready to be waged by "stylist" Anja, LIW Caroline in harem pants (getting drunk and silly it seems with little sister Marie Louise Høm) and Foffie Ellen Hillingsø. Marie took it all in stride, greeting everyone warmly, and offering genuine affection to the grande dame of the runway shows, Malene Birger. And not one shot of madame making love to the camera!

Henrik: "Now the childproof locks are on again."
Nikolai & Felix: "This is our Elephant Order."
Marie: "Hic!" (The Danish sugar press NEVER makes fun of Mary. This is a real sign of affection for Marie that they can underscore her fearlessness in the face of caloric & alcoholic beverages! Nice roundabout way of sticking it to Mary 'I'll Just Have Water Please' Boganson.)

How delightful! Marie and Joachim will be travelling with the older boys to Greenland on a nice bonding trip that will see them enjoying dog sledding among other things. This trip will be a wonderful way to start teaching the boys about Denmark's responsibilities toward this wonderful but struggling nation as well as starting to talk to them about their poor uncle's legacy on the 2000 Sirius expedition and how after achieving a peak of masculinity there in Greenland, he subsequently left it all as a stain on the rough sheets of the share-house bed of one Miss Mary 'Succubus' Donaldson during the Olympics a few months later. "And that's why Unca Fweddie is always so tired and sad, boys." As an illustration of more mingling between the current Danish Crown Prince's court and the future Crown Princely family, aka Schackenborg, the wife of Fred's tennis partner friend and Izzy's godfather will be joining the young family.

Daisy just loves a good dictator! In an unbelievably tone deaf move, the Danish government sent their highest ranking ambassador, The Daisinator, and her husband on a state visit to the island nation of Bahrain, in the Persian Gulf, just one week before the king ordered his people killed as they protested in the streets for democracy. Hey, Danes! Would you, too, like to enjoy this medicine some call democracy? Here's what it will mean for you: a free press that doesn't force bile down your throats while dressing it in pink sugar and swearing that it is the greatest and most loving and supportive crown princess to Frederik you've ever had even though it's pretty obvious that your crown prince is desintegrating exponentially as the years - and the babies - add up. Never mind, says, BB! We'll just call the visit "An Oasis of Love" and pretend that they just caught the reigning couple on a walk in the park.

Princess Madeleine is keeping up her romance with NYC financier Chris O'Neill. This seems like a nice rebound relationship. They might even genuinely like each other! That will make it easier to break up whenever the time comes. Although, she'd be hard-pressed to find another man these days who smoke like she does! Chris, in turn, must be given credit for dating the curvaceous Madde after breaking up with skinny lingerie model Maryam Abdullina.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Billed Bladet #5: Danish Handball Victory!

BB's cover headline screams about Fred and Joachim that "They are Such Good Friends!!!!!!!!!" Just in case you had already forgotten about the faux scandal that they don't talk to each other anymore. We have known this for years. Funny how BB keeps bringing it up! And with a better, more vibrant photo of Joachim than Fred! Ostensibly, the cover says, we at BB do so want that the royal brothers are buddies! Subtext: Mary is a cow and Joachim and Marie are uncomfortable in her presence, dear God, just look at how stressed and beaten Fred is after 10 years with her!

The brothers, their father and Princess Marie accompanied the Prime Minister and his wife plus other cabinet members to the handball championship between Denmark and France. Joachim may celebrate his French heritage, yet there is no denying that this most French of Danish princes is happy that his birth country won the game! And what a delight to witness that Marie enjoys beer and wine at a public sporting event rather than sucking on Mary's water bottle as everyone around her enjoys a beer.

This week's fashion laureate is Princess Marie for her budget conscious, but quite professional suit separates at a recent official event.

More Marie in Lyon during the competition in which the Danish chef took the grand prize. Nice outfit: professional but not stiff, tailored but not stuffy, fun patterns and materials without being over the top. Good work, Marie!

Doesn't this just say it all!? Mary WHO! Happy Birthday, Marie!

Doting grand-père Henrik took his oldest grandsons to a World Wildlife Fund event where the boys got to paint their own elephants and take a ride on the large one decorated just for gramps. Christian is technically at a good age for the same sort of event, yet someone seems to have decided that Fred's heir is not quite ready for prime time.

A nice reminder through the Royal Mailbag that Alexandra was one of the best Danish princesses of all time and how beautiful Mette Marit gets with each passing day. Mary will be seething.

Fred had an event at the New Carlsberg Glyptotek museum where they made him pose in front of a statue of a poor fool with millions of babies crawling all about. Poor Fred, what a sad metaphor for his own life!

BB has been hearing from Mary that her absense at this year's kurs must soon be forgotten by repeating her last year's kur dress nightmare in orange. These are the winning dresses from the survey Mary commissioned a few months ago to edge Marie out of the picture while La Boganista was still spending time on the elliptical.