Friday, June 28, 2013

Queen Daisy Ozymandias To Clown Princess Yrma: Look Upon My Works, Ye Bogan, And Despair!: I'm Having Them Bury Me In a 29 Million Kroner Glass Doobie With Your Beloved Rubies: Toodles!

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
`My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away".

- Percy Bysshe Shelley
Ozymandias, 1818

Good luck, Denmark! 

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Daisy and Henri Send Derf Off to Greenland For Male Bonding Hooey, Beg Benedikte to Babysit Mary 'Looker Me!' Boganson at Phony Ascot Event, Then Settle In To Party Professionally With Fun, Happy Dutch Sovereigns!

This woman's face says it all. Over it!
Daisy's job in this regard is easy: to distract Yrma, dangle phony British, C-list equestrian events in front of Madam and watch her take the bait to accompany your sister (Benedikte must have really owed Daise) to rainy cold Germany to wave to peasants! With Benedikte around, Mary definitely goes into Beta mode, but with all the Scottish weather and horsey related distractions, Benedikte will earn a medal for not eye-rolling when Mary is trying to out-princess Kate, Beatrice and Eugenie. To distract Derfie, Daisy just has to dangle faux masculine, talk dirty with yer mates, Greenlandic camping in front of him and in a heartbeat, wave goodbye to the steamer ship that sends him sailing north. Easy peasy. With those losers out of the country, have some fun by enjoying the company of darling Dutch cousins Willem-Alexander and his fabulous wife Queen Maxima with your articulate younger son and his French wife! Even if there is some pain in watching Alex step so easily and proudly into his role as a young king with his supportive and smart wife beside him. It's so obvious to the Danish queen: Derf is not ready for primetime and vacuous, rude Mary's been no positive influence on him, and Denmark will be better off if Daisy lived another twenty years.
Daisy: "Alex! They're not here! w00t w00t! We can all relax and have fun!"
Alex: "YES!"

Daisy: "I'm in such a better mood with them gone. Soon darling Joachim will be here with Marie!"

Marie: "I'm a little tired, Athena is teething and lille prins Henrik is at THAT AGE, but I can't wait to see Cousin Alex and darling Maxima!"

Joachim: "C'mon, you all know it's true: I'm a better example of a Danish prince than my bumbling brother."

Henrik: "Oh, my dear girl, remember us dancing in Norway and you were pregnant and our tummies were the same size?"

Henrik: "Don't worry, they're both in foreign countries, so no pop-in scares or tongues down throats right next to you!"

"Hi, I'm Little Mary Boganson."

"They made a Danish minister come with me cuz something something they didn't trust her alone."

"I wish Mr. Bach were here!"

"Now, then, Madam, let's see if you can write your name."

"Aw, look at that. Only 4 letters and you've still misspelled it!"
Maruy. FAIL.

"Just smile and nod, Mary, it'll be over soon."

"Hm, are there any cameras up there?"

"Too bad there are no people to soak up my wonder!"
"What dat? Excuse me ladies, but I'm trying to be relevant."

"Cameras at 2 o'clock! Cue the fake, coy laugh, 3, 2, 1"

"Aren't you glad to meet me?"

"Try to reign it in, Mary. Bene's here and she'll be reporting back. Give Daisy NOTHING."

"Dark clothing and unseasonly matchy matchy purse and shoes. I hope everyone notices my CHIC!"

"Pff, we have better fountains in Hobart."

"Where is that cameraman going? I'm over here, mate."

"I'm wearing a really expensive brooch. I hope everyone notices."

"Pff, my sister Patty does aerobics, too. Next!"

"Cue the I Love Animals look, hold the horse, turn head down. Try to look soft."

"OK, soft doesn't work. Stick out the ol' baboon bum. We'll just try different shots with the horse."

The proper way to commune with a horse.

Nathalie is so over it.

Psst, Mares, legs together, girl.

"I'll give the cameras a little Mary Candy! Uplift on the swan neck and a better angle on my new pouty upper lip!"

"OK, now look contemplative and seductive!"

"Um, ok, this horse thing is going away soon, right? He's blocking my cameras."

"Tune her out and look blankly into the distance. Ascending stairs is very romantic and Bronte-esque, whatever that is. Tanja told me about it."

"Hihihihi. Tee hee. I so cute."

"I love a dramatic signature shot! M-A-uh, R-Y, right? Phew!"

Aw, Mary matched her bra to her eyeshadow to her nail polish!

"Lots of head cocking, Mary! It's VERY Kate. The Daily Mail WILL notice."

"Hihihi. Cameras everywhere!!"

"That person needs to be noticing ME. Coo-coo! Look over here!"

"I may not have understood her, but that won't keep me from maniacally laughing to show everyone how much the Danish royals LOVE me. Hihihihihihi!"

"Let's see, how does Maxima wave?"
"Max Markson is under contract to show this to the queen. The REAL one - in England! See, Liz? We are made of the same stuff! Invite me to things!"

"Hm, maybe these 4 inch heels were a bit of a mistake on soggy soil."

"Nah. My legs never looked better! I'll walk in front of Benedikte so people notice me more!"

Meeting Eurovision winner Emmelie de Forest (so wish it had been good friend Emilie Jerichau!)

Stained jacket. Nice, Mary.

"Too much jewellery? Check! Bat shit crazy amount of makeup? Check!"
Meanwhile, Derfie uses his new whip to open a bottle of champagne. Manly! Sportif! Hihihi.

 "Me and me mates! Hard drinking, tough talking and rough living. Until I get home to Mary and find out how I screwed up and have to grovel and buy her jools until she lets me out of the basement."
"Hm, maybe I should take this whip home and use it on Mary! Ooooh, no, no. She'd think it were a sex toy for 'riding lessons'. Can't risk thatty!"