Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Royal Danish Jewels Documentary Slays Mary!

Is Crown Princess Mary of Denmark going down? Not only was the wonky eye on display prominently, but this documentary seems to have been created under the guise of preparing the Danish public for Mary's release from their kroner-supported clutches! The McCann Group (The Mary Fund's PR agent), Markson Sparks nor Nina Fudala saw this baby coming!! Even speaking in her native English, Mary was diminished in the most delicious, if slightly passive-aggressive way. The DRF has given her enough golden rope, and she proceeds to duly hang herself with it! What was the conversation in the inner sanctum of Amalienborg, "hey, let's just set up a camera on Mary and let it roll, she'll do herself in! The queen is game, of course, and we'll ask for a couple of other royals to be interviewed just to throw Mary off and not make this whole thing look suspicious." Well done, gray men!!

Video: DR documentary "The Royal Jewels Through the Generations - Part One", aka "We're Done with Mary Donaldson!"

Normally, JJ Films (owned by the father of Countess Alexandra's husband Martin Jørgensen) produces the royal family's documentaries, but this one was produced by Egmont Films. Egmont is the surname of former girlfriends of both Prince Joachim and Prince Nikolaos. Ownership and control of the contents of the film remain, therefore, "in the family". Recall, dear readers, that the Danish merchant class, by and large just as with the nobility, stands firmly by their royal family and does the "dirty work" against the usurpers and arrivistes who invade their rank. **cough** Donaldsons **cough**

High on having just completed planning for the 2011 Looker Me! Tour to Australia under the false guise of sustainability, Mary was in full cheeky "dignified actress" mode on film, picking up where she left off after the Victorian train advert, the Marymentary and the "Kongehuset Indefra" docu. However, contrast Mary's pride at thinking herself worthy of being the ultimate official porter of such illustrious jewels with the file footage interspersed by the editors to underscore their naughty points, including the public one that these are precious, beautiful and historic pieces of jewellery and the subconscious one that one Miss Mary Boganson, daughter of Professor John "Ad Infinitum" Sluuuuurrrrpppson, is not a worthy or dignified bearer of such priceless heirlooms.

Egmont Films don't make us wait, either! The opening footage is of Crown Prince Frederik and Mary Donaldson's wedding. In the build up to the bride and groom actually saying ja before receiving accolades from the Danish public, the editors chose to intertwine the tears Freddles shed well before Mary and her father entered the church, and footage of the bride as a cold, emotionless, white corpse, eyes like bullets focused solely on the vulnerable deer in gold epaulets at the altar. Why on earth would the producers choose this particular excerpt from "happy wedding day" film at an occasion when the entire Danish nobility was decked out as never before in their family diamonds and other jewels? The footage they chose was from the most strange and depressing part of the entire service! Why not delight viewers with footage of European royals and Danish aristos decked out in all their sparklies as they paraded past the crowds? Is this not a film on the royal jools of one of Europe's monarchies which underscores the fascinating result of the itineraries of diamonds due to inter-familial, royal marriages? This, my dears, is another subtext: the Donaldsons did not have the dough or family history to provide their meal ticket daughter with any important jewellery (unlike Princess Marie of Denmark or the Duchess of Cambridge).

With this juicy start to the documentary, we were off to the races! During the personal interviews, Mary was quite horribly made up with heavy, theatre maquillage including a strange violet-blue eyeshadow (did they convince her that she would be evocative of Elizabeth Taylor? What a hoot!) that accentuated the wonky eye, reminded you of the Starmakers video colour pallette, as well as underscore the mask-like look the lady subscribes to, all while surely calling attention to the sapphire and diamond brooch that Mary received from Daisy for Christian's baptism, badly placed on a pleated dress. The overall effect was of a final interview with a fallen, C-grade Hollywood actress along the lines of Zsa Zsa Gabor or Jane Russell, in other words, a woman whose face is hard and stuck and doesn't breathe due to pore-clogging foundation and has never been used to either natural daylight or a relaxed constitution.

Mary helps out the grey men by talking with assurance and a total lack of humility about "her" jewels and how they are "mine" and all sorts of other ME ME ME language. She is proud of the reconfiguration of Queen Ingrid's ruby parure which is nothing but a wall of diamonds now (you can almost see Mary's brain imagining herself wearing them through the Salamanca markets - "take that, all you dirty peasants!"). Queen Ingrid "built up" the tiara from the light, wreath-like hair ornaments they originally were, and the piece had depth, charm and a sense of movement and central ascent, due to the multi-planar position of the ivy leaves. Only the ham-fisted, unartistic and unstylish eye of Mary Donaldson could ruin the piece by cutting out the jewel's personality, buttressing it with the gloss of more shiny stuff, and parading it out and about as if it were something special to be seen in this state - sort of exactly what she's done to poor Derf!

From the humourous and horrid pronunciation of lineage ("line age" - showing too much obsession with skin elasticity, Mary!) to the gleam in her eye and saliva in the corner of her Sluuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrppppppppson mouth when discussing the crown jewels, this documentary is entertaining and stomach-turning. Watching a narcissist self-flagellate right before the cameras is disturbing, but no clearer warning could be given the Danes: stop the monster in her tracks or you will soon see your ruby and diamond patrimony in the multiple ear piercings of several gargoyle in-laws!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Yrma La Douche

Monday, August 29, 2011

Crown Prince Frederik Gets a Little Taste of Freedom

Now that his wife has gone native for a few days to refresh her narcissistic soul, Crown Prince Frederik of Denmark has found himself in a strange, new state of mind: one of freedom. He might even be slightly happy, but he's not sure since that's been such an elusive feeling for the last ten years, ever since that bogan wife of his came up to Europe to just pop in on him and see if she could have a place to stay "for a few days". No, Our Freddles has been visited by a feeling of lightness and an odd peace of mind. Those four children of his kind of even look a little bit cute to him. Course, pretty nannies don't hurt, either!

Day One of MoreMore's African regency saw Freddums hosting Danish and Baltic ministers at his home to celebrate 20 years of their own freedom. Mary never let him have company over for a working lunch! Look how relaxed and happy everyone seems to be. The Crown Prince seems engaged and involved - grown-up and kingly, in fact! The ministers seem to be telling him positive stories of the benefits of throwing off the yoke of oppression and enjoying life to the fullest! How inspiring! Little synapses are going off in Freddums' brain. Energy and blood are returning. Mary needs to spend a lot more time away!

In fact Fred started feeling so good, he decided to take ALL FOUR children out for a walk and little cruise around the harbour! The sexy nannies strapped the turkey baster twins onto their full bosoms and out the door they went to the dock at the park behind the palace. What a nice day for an outing all together before the oldest two head back to kindy on Monday and before their mother-figure thinggie returns from picking up black market ivory and tiger skins for Boganson Chrissie presents. Crown Prince Frederik of Denmark has a little swing in his step, and might even have allowed himself to think that he deserves and truly wants this kind of good feeling in all aspects of his life. Royal attorney Henrik Wedell-Wedellsborg already has a draft divorce resolution drawn up, waiting for the call from the palace.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Princess Marie in Copenhagen for Double Duties

Since the Danish Crown Princess, Madam la Vice-reine d'Afrique, has decided that the simple pleasures of Danish royal waving did not suffice to relieve her heartburn in the wake of "Greedy Mary" magazine covers and Marie's pregnancy announcement (and instead flew post haste to the miserable climate of the African Horn to generate some "Diana treatment" with black children), the lovely Schackenborg princess filled in at a jewellery fair after her scheduled visit to the increasingly popular Cooking Copenhagen food festival. Who's provincial, now!?

27 August, Marie attended the Nordic Taste event at the festival and tasted some of the best regional food from Nordic chefs and restaurants, including oysters from the Schackenborg Slotskro, the local inn in Møgeltønder where Marie's cousins stayed during the 2008 wedding. Marie is on record from a 2010 interview for her love of her region's oysters. Nice to celebrate and show support to the local foodies!

29 August, Marie attended the Copenhagen Jewellery Fair to hand out the prizes for the Bella Nordic Jewellery Award. Lovely in an elegant black dress, not hiding the growing bump, Marie mixed and mingled with the equally elegantly dressed vendors, designers and collectors. No wonder Marie was sent to this event; this crowd is a far cry from the shaggy, shabby, sartorial ennui of fashionistas that Mary once mixed with during Copenhagen Fashion Week. Among the displays was a new tiara by Flora Danica, one that celebrates Marie's French heritage with three lillies. What an ideal present and one that the little girl baking in Marie's oven will appreciate receiving on her 18th birthday! Here is BT's gallery of photos from the Copenhagen Jewellry Fair.

Happy Birthday, Prince Nikolai

Happy 12th birthday to the increasingly handsome Prince Nikolai William Alexander Frederik of Denmark. Many happy returns of the day, young sir. What a kind, wise and beloved king you will be when Unca Fweddie finally dumps his psychodelic pile for a bar in Key West. Or his ridiculous wife for a strong, sexy, smart blonde. Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah!

Lucky Nikolai. His family birthday party at mor Alexandra's house was attended by his entire immediate family and Uncle Fred with cousins Xian and Izzy - and no Auntie Mary! This must have been the best birthday ever!