Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Billed Bladet #34, 2010

The cover proclaims Mary and Marie as "such good friends" and how they'll be attending the Greek fairytale wedding together, and how proud Margrethe is of her daughters in law, and OWW!! Another cavity!! Argh! Guess who's getting the dental bill, Anna Johannsen!? BB have, however, ensured that Marie occupies prime place on the cover, and they have chosen a "best pic" of Marie, and a "slightly odd" pic of Mary. They take things as far as they dare!

Mary gallavanting around Hobart in the same clothes she's been wearing evidently for an entire week straight. Posing, parting her legs, peek-a-boo tops and no evidence of a baby bump. That "thigh turned out" pose that she has been perfecting in front of the mirror has had its third outing in public. Mary's next endeavour: up the ante and do the "thigh expose pose" in Margrethe's company ... preferably, thinks Mary, at a formal do ... Mary was sans her wedding rings - perhaps Security told her not to trust Amber's Bandido pals at the party, in case she lost her finger ...

Discount Kronprinsesse! So, Mary flies all the way to Oz to buy school supplies in English and receive two pair of baby Ugg boots for free? Something very funny about Mary posing in front of 70% sale banners. Same with the Danish monarchy ever since she joined!

So, here is the hot pink, faux-Elephant Order sash that all of Amber's "Life Maids" had to wear, including Mary. Quite an insult to Daisy! Mary gave the first speech of the evening which BB assures us was a hit among the guests and moved Amber to tears. According to Amber, 'they were very beautiful words. She's just such a sweet and wonderful friend and helped me with my party dress and saw to it that I was the centre of attention and that first and foremost the evening turned around me." Sounds like Amber's trying to talk herself into actually believing some of that.

According to BB, Amber appeared on the dance floor with two drag queens, got on the stage, danced a naughty samba (still got the Miami Maria fever!), drank several glasses of champagne and even two days after the party was hoarse and had a spotty memory. Funnily enough, Amber's memory returned on her old station SAFM's competitor on FM radio a few days later, and she claimed that Mary "stayed over and slept in Amber's bed - top 'n tail!" (One wonders, where did the handsome security guards sleep?) Amber also let slip that she "didn't know when Mary had left" - some host, too busy having a "hot time", Amber said, to farewell her guest. This is what she said on air the Monday after the party to SAFM. "I'm still tired and sound like an old drag queen." On Sunday, Mary said "It was so nice to visit Adelaide and my friend Amber. I enjoyed every second of my stopover."

Marie is this week's laureat for the pretty but boring floral dress with gray cardi worn to the Odense Flower Festival. I guess even BB can't get behind Mary's strapless, mud-coloured, maternity jumpsuit with saddlebags and VPL! Some remnants of social modesty appear to apply to a woman pregnant with heirs: a cinched waist and no wrap is really not the way to go to a party in Adelaide's cool winter air!

Nikolaos and Tat visiting the church a couple of days before the wedding, encircled by happy and proud families. What a contrast to the skeletal Mary Donaldson in gray taffeta with badly-sewn darts, being lead around by Daisy who still had the upper hand. And then came the strains of Zadok the Priest - still one of the biggest ever narcissistic faux pas by a nascent royal.

Tats had a night out with some friends and her stepfather. Someone, please, keep this page from Mary, or she will appear with a similar "river of gold" down her bosom. Though, perhaps even Mary might avoid that particular symbolism, given that there's a chill wind from Margarethe and Henrik at the mo'!

This is the article that got BB in trouble in the mainstream Danish press! Writing in advance of the wedding how it went, who came (they mistakenly tag Mette-Marit, Martha Louise and Ari Behn as attendees), how much fun they all had together. In other words, what we all have known for years now! Yawn. Old news, Berlingske! Shades of poor old Crawfie, Queen Elizabeth's old nanny, who made a cosy income writing puff pieces about the princesses until a similar debacle.

What a beautiful family! They've been spending lots of their time on their boat Afroessa, Anne-Marie's 60th birthday gift.

Younger Greek siblings Theodora and Philippos were able to attend a friend's child's baptism on Spetses a few days before the wedding, while Alexia and her brood enjoyed a carriage ride with her parents, king in the driver's seat! Judging by the warm greetings between families, Anne Marie clearly gets on with Tat's mother a lot better than Daisy does with The Dumpling!

Hm, ever since Fred's tonsils exam by Doctor Mary Boganson live on Danish television during Daisy's birthday party, the rest of the family has been called upon to fill in the hole that Mary will soon vacate. Is it any coincidence that Joachim will soon be travelling to Uganda? Benedikte has a sponsor child in Botswana, and has encouraged her three children to also have sponsored children through SOS Children's Villages. That group also works to earn more money via the Ecco Walkathons that Alexandra participates in every year. Still partnering with dear Alex! That wouldn't be without Daisy's approval! These little episodes are also contributing incrementally to the contrasted Mary, who perched a black child on her lap and allowed it to play with her designer scarf, and proceeded straight to one of Africa's luxe holiday playgrounds afterwards, to recover ... we think the reason Mary hasn't been back is that copying Diana's capri pants and casual gear and "explosion proof screen" from Diana's spectacularly successful anti-landmine phase was seen for what it was. Oh, and Mary has known since, not to wear ordinary clothes, because she can't be distinguished from the camera grip.

Also with Daisy's approval would Alex travel to Greenland. Since Fred doesn't actually seem to care enough - or remain sober enough - to help the place, Alex was pushed into service. No posing with street pups, or pretending to be surprised at how cold the snow is with a sticky-out bum bum and o-shaped lips.

Royal Mailbag asks why Queen Elizabeth never comes to Danish events. Hello! For one, she's met Mary. For another, Fred creepily mistakes her for his own mother, sits in her lap and calls her Bobo. Would you visit?
Another question asks if Joachim's beautiful boys can act as regent when they are older. Yes! But foreshadows Evil Auntie Mary's machinations by stating that the question becomes whether or not they'll be needed. "I think not," speculates the editor. Hmmm.

Xian: As big as Mor's tummy, thanks.
Martin: Party of two!
Ensign: Sea-sickness!
Daisy: Just press "offering" so we can go home.

Adorable and serious Ingrid Alexandra started school for the first time last week. What a charming girl and attentive student! That little boy's parents have been telling him to behave and not pull those cute little braids, you can bet thatty! I doubt we'll see such photos of Xian Amin Mugabe Ceausescu Beelzebub next year looking quite as serious and forthright as his Norwegian cousin. Oh, that's right, Mary's "holding him back" for "a better head start". Nah. Mary knows that the bigger the kid in class, the more he'll bully, show those other punk peasant kids just who's boss. Mary knows deep down that without an intellect, Xian will definitely need to learn how to fight!

Looks like the little Bottega Veneta clutch is all the rage right now. Mary and Marie have them, Rigmor Zobel (nice, BB!) has one, as do all sorts of other Danish ladies. Rigmor can stash some stash in hers, Mary can stash some stash in hers, and Marie can keep a dainty lace hankie and some scent ...

Marie looks very relaxed at the Odense Flower Festival. What a rapport with the flower girl! Mary's poor victims can almost never make eye contact and here, this cutie and Marie are so on the same wavelength!

Finally, a cute and very pregnant Frex Ex Maria Montell and her family at the premiere of Toy Story 3. Now that is a great bump! Pregnancy is good to her. Poor Mary: why do Fred's exes always show her up? If it isn't in the natural beauty stakes, it's in the manners stakes, the motherhood stakes ...

Monday, August 23, 2010

Billed Bladet #33, 2010

"Ran off to Australia: Mary to a crazy party, Frederik takes care of the children" , says the cover, with an evil, conspiratorially laughing Rigmor Zobel head hovering over Mary's image as if in a skanky society ladies' duel. Rigmor's nostrils may be as red as Mary's ruby, but she's been integrated into Danish society a lot longer than Madam. Careful, Mares!

Mary arriving in Hobart to meet up with the ugly sisters and hit Amber's 40th birthday party. As quoted in The Mercury, '"I'm going to dance, act like a lunatic and press on the gas all night long. Then Sunday morning I'm going to wake up with a screaming hangover," promises the politically incorrect Petty.' Spill some secrets in the process, and we are ON BOARD, Petty! Alas, this copy went to press before BB got its paws on some real party pix - allover fake-tanned Amber Petty in a whore-red Samba Queen Outfit that consisted of little more than a pushup bra and some beads.

Week in Fashion. Mary gets this week's laurels for a 2005 never-before-worn Prada dress that she's embellished with the broken up remains of the Danish Crown Jewels - the bits she managed to prise out with a hoof-pick before Security got wind and confiscated them. More "take that, Daisy"! But, oops, what is this? BB gets the last word as they contrast the princess's svelte, 4 month long pregnancy with a woman 20 weeks along - also with twins - who is showing a proper bump! What a diff! EAT SOMETHING, MARY. Interesting homage to Mary's bridesmaids' cow patties/hair bagels on the second page!

Fred's drinking tea and looking longingly off into the distance, or annoyingly at his eldest offspring who looks into the wrong end of the binoculars. Mary's feeling so high from the twin embryos taking root in her womb, that she's mounting the alpha position with a temporarily defeated Daisy. 'What have I gotten myself into!', Fred seems to be thinking. Not to worry, Freddo! Katja's love and warm, womanly embrace is not too far around the corner! First order of business: get Mary moved out. Second order of business: a head scan for that Xian.

Gala for the Danish Navy's 500th anniversary. Mary's relatives used to sink invading Viking, then English ships off the coast of Scotland - the irony. Funny the only photo BB could find of Fred looking lovingly at his wife is where he is actually looking off to Mary's far right. Was Katja in the stands? Or was he daydreaming about the real ole Viking days when he would have had a bikie type moustache and called the shots?

Mary and what BB calls her 'mini-tummy' showed up at Copenhagen Fashion Week. There's a scan of the royal bubs. Poor dears. Daddy's paunch and Mor's empty head space already!

Mary cranked up the foundation of her stumpy body with bikie f*ck-me heels to elongate her legs. Then ran into - uncomfortably by the looks of it - the singer who serenaded her with "Proud Mary" at the pre-wedding concert. Then ran into a friend of both Schackenborg wives. Fred's gonna get it when she gets home - clearly he set her up to be this uncomfortable! Mary knows full well, that when the photographers catch her communing with tattoo'ed bikie chick types, they are indistinguishable from Mary Boganson of Taroona!

Marie demurely posing for the insistant photographer before returning to the enjoyable tasks of greeting children (who clearly adore her) and discussing the work of a children's poverty centre with one of the executives there. What an asset to the Danish monarchy! She states that becoming a mother has made her more sensitive to children's issues. Quel contrast to her sister-in-law!!

Lille prins Henrik and maman Marie will stay at home while Daddy Joachim goes solo to Ghana. This is certainly not his first time to the continent, as he is patron of CARE. That means Joachim actually does meaningful work in Africa and doesn't just arrive to mimic the British royals during the colonial period, then scoot out of town once the limbless ones appear looking for hand-outs. Poverty, Madam has discovered, is not good for one's skin.

Meanwhile, Joachim took his older boys along with him when he visited an open air museum. What a fun outing with Far before school starts!

Heartmade designer Julie Fagerholt received an award but notes that Mary wasn't there to see it, adding a photo of Julie and the Crown Princess from last year to emphasise the snub. Alex and Martin were present at Fashion Week and Alex says that the twins are delightful news, adding "I'd like to wish the Crown Prince and the Crown Princess congratties," with a graciousness that is lost on Madam!

Sly BB! They add a question about Fred's wedding rings. Wha hae! They confirm the crown prince lost the ring "deep C diving" off of Key West in January 2008 and that it was a ring made from the first gold to have ever come from a mine in Greenland. Way to go, Fred. The story of the missing ring had been confirmed before the jeweler could finish a replacement ring, but the court chooses to play coy: "We consider this a private matter." Mary's visit to Oz was deemed "private", but that didn't stop you from announcing it! OK, we know, Mary put you up to it.
In another letter, they let down the side admitting that Freddo's wedding speech to Mary was not actually from the heart, but lifted straight from a Lars H.U.G. song. "Come let us go, come let us see..."

Katja took in a summer ballet production looking fresh and chic. What a culture! Mary would never take in a performance of any kind with her free time, except that of her own air guitaring and Beyoncé karaoke singing (put another ring on it, Derf)!

Fred has a bubble with ex Maria Montell: "Next time we're going to see 'In the Sign of the Gemini'". Daisy notes that she'll soon need a bigger balcony. Mary spots two storks in the binoculars. Henrik corrects a young Faroese boy by reminding him it is his daughter-in-law who is pregnant with twins, not he. Christian proclaims that he's still the chief.

Mary's earrings are Marianne Dulong from the Kharisma Collection. FAIL. She's still as boring as dirt.

Look who's back, baby! Rigmor Zobel! She may be down, but don't count her out. Angry, rich women with an entitlement privilege are HELL! Watch out, Mary! That banana peel you planted in front of her may have broken her ankle, but not her spirit. Look at the job she's doing on Martin!

Benedikte is sure that Nikolaos's wedding will be lovely as it takes place in a sweet little church. Benedikte said she visited Anne-Marie in Greece in late June and they stopped by the church a couple of times and took plenty of photos. Also on this page, a photo of Anja with her mini-me daughter, 11 year old Carla. Søren and his partner Preben are in the bottom photo taken during Fashion Week.

Camilla and Josephine Rosenborg, Fred's cousins who were invited to Mary's wedding but not reception, are 37 year old identical twins. They say that extra attention was given them by the press. They say that if Fred and Mary don't get identical twins, that will be easier since looking differently won't steal the spotlight from Xian and Izzy. Interesting logic, but maybe they're alluding to their new mother Katja being the one who will steal the show!

Other royal twins in Europe include the sons of Prince Laurent of Belgium and a son and daughter of Prince Guillaume of Luxembourg, and two of the children of Princess Irene of the Netherlands and her ex-husband the late Duke of Parma. But their mothers didn't need IVF.

Royal Roundup. Leonor and Sofia of Spain with their mother and Queen Sofia. Princess Eugenie's bartender boyfriend. Princess Caroline with her dogs. Prince William with cousin Zara.

A preview supplement on the Greek wedding!

BB sometimes suffers from small country syndrome and just has to tell you that Nikolaos spent his childhood in Denmark with Mormor Ingrid and all the cousins - all but one who attended Nik's wedding. Well, ok, Nathalie didn't make it, either, but she just had a baby! We're looking at YOU, Fred.

Photo of Nikolaos and Frederik at the Sydney Olympics in 2000. The day their lives changed for the worst. Now I see why Fred didn't attend the wedding. It's too painful. And we don't mean, being reminded of the fact that the groom was chest-rubbed by the now Crown Princess of Denmark at the Slip Inn. We mean, the contrast between Frederik's life since, and those of his peer crown princes, is dire.

The pretty bride shares a common ancestor with Nikolaos: King Frederik V. Isn't Mary descended from King Gorm the Old's fishmonger? And some BoBo genes - the ones that seduced poor Frederik in his darkest hour. Well, it would have been his darkest hour. Except, the darkest hour has now lasted ten years!

Other family weddings. Brother Pavlos with Marie Chantal Miller in 1995. The unfortunate Mary Donaldson and Fred in 2004. Victoria and Daniel back in June.

Joachim and Marie in 2008. Sister Alexia and Carlos in 1999. Haakon and Mette-Marit in 2001. Martha Louise and Ari in 2002.

Photos of the couple at various royal events. A much more dazzling royal entrée than the gauche Mary Donaldson, hidden by the court out of embarrassment.

The church on Spetses where the wedding will take place, Ayios Nikolaos.

The hotel on Spetses where the royal wedding guests will stay and where the wedding eve party will be, and where Daisy's family meeting will be held, the Poseidon Grace.