Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Royal Danish Jewels Documentary Slays Mary!

Is Crown Princess Mary of Denmark going down? Not only was the wonky eye on display prominently, but this documentary seems to have been created under the guise of preparing the Danish public for Mary's release from their kroner-supported clutches! The McCann Group (The Mary Fund's PR agent), Markson Sparks nor Nina Fudala saw this baby coming!! Even speaking in her native English, Mary was diminished in the most delicious, if slightly passive-aggressive way. The DRF has given her enough golden rope, and she proceeds to duly hang herself with it! What was the conversation in the inner sanctum of Amalienborg, "hey, let's just set up a camera on Mary and let it roll, she'll do herself in! The queen is game, of course, and we'll ask for a couple of other royals to be interviewed just to throw Mary off and not make this whole thing look suspicious." Well done, gray men!!

Video: DR documentary "The Royal Jewels Through the Generations - Part One", aka "We're Done with Mary Donaldson!"

Normally, JJ Films (owned by the father of Countess Alexandra's husband Martin Jørgensen) produces the royal family's documentaries, but this one was produced by Egmont Films. Egmont is the surname of former girlfriends of both Prince Joachim and Prince Nikolaos. Ownership and control of the contents of the film remain, therefore, "in the family". Recall, dear readers, that the Danish merchant class, by and large just as with the nobility, stands firmly by their royal family and does the "dirty work" against the usurpers and arrivistes who invade their rank. **cough** Donaldsons **cough**

High on having just completed planning for the 2011 Looker Me! Tour to Australia under the false guise of sustainability, Mary was in full cheeky "dignified actress" mode on film, picking up where she left off after the Victorian train advert, the Marymentary and the "Kongehuset Indefra" docu. However, contrast Mary's pride at thinking herself worthy of being the ultimate official porter of such illustrious jewels with the file footage interspersed by the editors to underscore their naughty points, including the public one that these are precious, beautiful and historic pieces of jewellery and the subconscious one that one Miss Mary Boganson, daughter of Professor John "Ad Infinitum" Sluuuuurrrrpppson, is not a worthy or dignified bearer of such priceless heirlooms.

Egmont Films don't make us wait, either! The opening footage is of Crown Prince Frederik and Mary Donaldson's wedding. In the build up to the bride and groom actually saying ja before receiving accolades from the Danish public, the editors chose to intertwine the tears Freddles shed well before Mary and her father entered the church, and footage of the bride as a cold, emotionless, white corpse, eyes like bullets focused solely on the vulnerable deer in gold epaulets at the altar. Why on earth would the producers choose this particular excerpt from "happy wedding day" film at an occasion when the entire Danish nobility was decked out as never before in their family diamonds and other jewels? The footage they chose was from the most strange and depressing part of the entire service! Why not delight viewers with footage of European royals and Danish aristos decked out in all their sparklies as they paraded past the crowds? Is this not a film on the royal jools of one of Europe's monarchies which underscores the fascinating result of the itineraries of diamonds due to inter-familial, royal marriages? This, my dears, is another subtext: the Donaldsons did not have the dough or family history to provide their meal ticket daughter with any important jewellery (unlike Princess Marie of Denmark or the Duchess of Cambridge).

With this juicy start to the documentary, we were off to the races! During the personal interviews, Mary was quite horribly made up with heavy, theatre maquillage including a strange violet-blue eyeshadow (did they convince her that she would be evocative of Elizabeth Taylor? What a hoot!) that accentuated the wonky eye, reminded you of the Starmakers video colour pallette, as well as underscore the mask-like look the lady subscribes to, all while surely calling attention to the sapphire and diamond brooch that Mary received from Daisy for Christian's baptism, badly placed on a pleated dress. The overall effect was of a final interview with a fallen, C-grade Hollywood actress along the lines of Zsa Zsa Gabor or Jane Russell, in other words, a woman whose face is hard and stuck and doesn't breathe due to pore-clogging foundation and has never been used to either natural daylight or a relaxed constitution.

Mary helps out the grey men by talking with assurance and a total lack of humility about "her" jewels and how they are "mine" and all sorts of other ME ME ME language. She is proud of the reconfiguration of Queen Ingrid's ruby parure which is nothing but a wall of diamonds now (you can almost see Mary's brain imagining herself wearing them through the Salamanca markets - "take that, all you dirty peasants!"). Queen Ingrid "built up" the tiara from the light, wreath-like hair ornaments they originally were, and the piece had depth, charm and a sense of movement and central ascent, due to the multi-planar position of the ivy leaves. Only the ham-fisted, unartistic and unstylish eye of Mary Donaldson could ruin the piece by cutting out the jewel's personality, buttressing it with the gloss of more shiny stuff, and parading it out and about as if it were something special to be seen in this state - sort of exactly what she's done to poor Derf!

From the humourous and horrid pronunciation of lineage ("line age" - showing too much obsession with skin elasticity, Mary!) to the gleam in her eye and saliva in the corner of her Sluuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrppppppppson mouth when discussing the crown jewels, this documentary is entertaining and stomach-turning. Watching a narcissist self-flagellate right before the cameras is disturbing, but no clearer warning could be given the Danes: stop the monster in her tracks or you will soon see your ruby and diamond patrimony in the multiple ear piercings of several gargoyle in-laws!