Thursday, March 24, 2011

Billed Bladet #11: Swiss skiing adventures

Another issue short on royals this week, but Mary managed to get out of the house and dragged her family to a nearly snowless Verbier to stay for free in her friend/"boss" Peter Warnøe's chalet with the Heerings. Notes from the cover: "Frederik: I don't get much sleep!" "Mary and Frederik on holiday with all four children" "Mary enjoying the holiday" "Proud father: Isabella is adept at skiing". Interesting that the re-branding of Fred as the only parent who is involved with his children, while Mary is seen distantly smiling at her active kids and taking lone walks in town. If indeed two month old premature babies had been dragged along for a three day jaunt to the mountains, then there is more proof that Mary doesn't much care for the nurturing role of motherhood so much as she must make everyone around her suffer for her own twisted ideas of what a rich woman with a public does, even in private. Love how Mary's overdone, fake enthusiasm for her daughter's improvement on the slopes just reminds us of her graduation photo from UTas and her Pictish hillbilly features: double chin, bulbous nose and rat eyes. Get off yer arse, Mares, and actually show your daughter that she's a star, stop faking it with silly smiles, you're just teaching her how to be an arsehole herself. Fred was the one who took Izzy up on the bunny slope to try out skiing. The sweet girl seems to really enjoy it and do very well. Good teamwork. It is not easy for family members to teach each other such things, but the royal chemistry that bonds Our Izzy with her father allows for strong, bogan-free moments. Meanwhile, Mary gives Trine Larsen (who normally is coddled with the Marie beat) a heads up that she'll be heading out to lunch with the Heerings and Peter Warnøe who is back together with his girlfriend Julia Tholstrup. Sweet Izzy is doing great on her skis. Funny that the magazine chooses not to show any photos of Xian. Slowly re-planting the second born into our consciousnesses? Little defective that first one, eh? With no Danish royals in this week's fashion pages, we are treated to an extremely royal image of La Belle Maxima in a flattering soft pink dress and very fancy tiara. Lovely! This is how it is done, Mares! The announcement that the Schackenborg family (sans lille prins Henrik) will be heading to Greenland at the end of March. The trip is a wedding present and the preparations have taken a little longer than normal because Marie's national costume has been handmade. This will be the first visit to Greenland by not only Marie, but also Nikolai and Felix. A fitting visit for a future Danish king and his spare! Funny how a letter about whether Daisy and Frederik fly in the same plane (there's no hard and fast prohibition, but they avoid travel together) with photos of the regnant couple and their bogan heirs disembarking in outer Danish territories, in advance of the stylish visit of the Schackenborg family to the jewel in the crown, Greenland. Joachim will look more a king, I reckon! Also, Xian and Izzy attend kindergarten in the little blue trailers. Just like Ma when she was little. And grandpappy Sluuuurrrrrrrrrrppppppppppson back in post-war Port Seton. From fish scalers to future monarch and still gettin' schooled in a trailer! Wha hae! To Frederik: "We'll draw to see who gets her phone number first". !! Bubbles isn't afraid to let you in on the real Frederik! Baroness Caroline Fleming is back in London with her newborn, already looking very thin, and without her footie baby daddy who has already taken up with another girl. Head up and get on with it, girl. No looking back at him, look forward with the baby. Sweet photo of Alex and son Nikolai taken on the street in Copenhagen. They had a fun dinner together during a mother-son night out. She and Joachim have been brilliant about their boys' media education. Give them a lovely photo, get used to the attention, and get on with it.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Billed Bladet #10: Daisy's not going anywhere fast

"Daisy in Great Shape: a big and open-hearted interview. My health is matchless! (Take that Mary - no croaking for years!) I will not ask about the twins' names! (subtext: lest I faint from the vulgarity and goopy Boganson tributes). Mary isn't going to bump into the doors of her mother-in-law. (Take that, Donaldson!!!)" You better beleeb it! Sister has read the writing on the wall (Mary's graffiti is tagged in Derf's blood) and is responding by living well and strong - always the best revenge when a narcissistic arriviste is depending on your death to fulfill her only and empty wish to be on top of the international social strata. Her heir's mental and physical health on the line, Queen Margrethe will not tolerate any more gala birthday tongue kiss babies/lunch tickets/excuses not to work from her daughter-in-law anymore! You've been served, Mary!

In an interview with Her Majesty on her annual cross country ski trip to Norway (usually undertaken with Queen Sonja and a couple of other friends plus guard), Daisy lays it all out on the line, and she's not speaking to BB's blue-haired readership, this is for Mary Antoinette Donaldson herself.

"Mary and Frederik have their hands full". Rest of sentence: "getting their act together!!"

At least we can count on Princess Marie to keep us happy and content as she is dressed in violet for a lovely event at Hamlet's Kronborg Castle north of Copenhagen. Elegant yet unpretentious - brava, Marie!

While in Norway, Daisy joined her Swedish and Norwegian colleagues at a ski jump event at Holmenkollen. How nice for her to escape the psychologically tense surroundings of Amalienborg with Mary making Fred jump with the slightest eye contact and lip purse. A sunny afternoon with charming, relaxed friends is good for a soul. I'm sure Daisy's long past caring that her own daughter-in-law is a cold fish, but how strange it must be to see sweet Sonja having such a wonderful time with the fully accepted and loving Mette Marit. MM had everything against her success and yet with her husband's constant yet growing love and the trust that her new family and the nation have placed in her, she has blossomed and is poised to be a very popular and well-loved queen. Quite a contrast to the "flawlessly backgrounded" Mary Donaldson who should have, by all accounts, been in a much better position to be a perfect princess for Denmark. All that poor country has to show 10+ years down the line is a pouting princess who keeps the tax-slurping family in the red as well as in Prada and Hugo Boss receipts, a fat and unhappy heir who will call in sick to a measly ribbon cutting, and family divides that have the Schackenborg branch of the family coming out the winners.

Speaking of fat and unhappy heirs, a depressing and unconvincing set of photos of Fweddie in his bwan nuu office at Amalienborg with the Soundgarten/dog food mural on the walls. He twy to teyo us dat he ok, dat he dooing weyo. "See? I sit he-ah an dwink coffee wike nohmal man." Ha ha Fweddie, you think we beleeb you. Ha ha.

As filler to this paltry issue on the royals (BB did not want to interrupt the power of Daisy's Norwegian interview!), BB plays the "who do the twins look like" game. Mary's eyes as a baby were seriously canted at 45 degree angles. And what a head of hair! Do the Donaldsons have Arabic or Hispanic heritage? Did one of King Ferdinand's Spanish conquistadors accidentally sail into Port Seton's harbour in 1504 returning from the Americas, but instead getting lured by "mermaids" - fat Donaldson ancestors with walrus like teeth - who nailed the sailors' Iberian balls to the walls of their sod share houses while the other, less attractive women raided the docked ships of all their supplies? Is this where Isabella's name comes from?

Henrik also knows how to get out of Dodge while Mother Mary is on maternity leave and thus, more prone to attempts at sweet-talking rellos into babysitting while she meets Helle at the wheatgrass smoothie shop for some gossip and smack talk. Henrik finds himself in French Guyana on the northern coast of South America enjoying the company - as always - of charming, local ladies. He was paying a visit in his capacity as Danish president of the World Wildlife Fund.

Funny how BB uses a photo from the event when Crown Princess Mary was asked publically about her dinner with coke-queen Rigmor Zobel only to encounter Mary's awkward yet angry wordless smiles just before Per Thornit manhandled one of the female reporters going about doing her job in a "democracy". The letter attached to this photo of Frex and his More-More looking more and more alike is one that asks where the Crown Prince got his interest in art. The answer is that his interest began while at university in Aarhus. Earlier his taste tended toward more classic work, but with the restoration of the Frederick VIII palace at Amalienborg, he responds very much now to more contemporary art.

The Princess's Fairy Tale. Despite the insipid titles BB gives such silly "articles", Marie does look smashing at a recent event in Helsinore reading to children under the guise of the Danish UNESCO. She met many students who are involved with the UNESCO Youth Forum. Very nice that Marie interacted - non-forcefully, but quite naturally - with Danish Muslim women and girls at the event. Toute naturelle, madame!

Adorable 8 year old Prince Felix won a school sports event and took the title of "Cat King" during a football exhibition. Countess Alexandra and her husband Martin were naturally quite proud.

What a lovely gesture! Joachim thoroughly understands his role and responsibilities. He came to his Møgeltønder neighbor the Schackenborg Slot Inn recently to celebrate their 5th anniversary. He presented the chef and the manager with presents to mark the occasion in a lovely gift basket. Their chef, Rasmus Lodahl, has cooked before for the royal family. What a charming way to show his appreciation! Well done, Joachim!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Billed Bladet #9: The Twinsies Have De-Yellowed

"The Twins are So Lovely!" After having to wait for weeks on end for the twins to gain the same amount of weight that Mary required of herself to lose, formal photos of the twins were taken and released. The babies are cute, but the photos are disappointing. Hired help in the background, Mary pretending to care about them but with empty eyes, Fred looking genuinely in love with the babies but frighteningly overwhelmed by his life and, strangely, absolutely no shots of the twins with their older siblings. It seems more and more that these twins were brought into the world to intentionally usurp their brother and sister, the older one being forecast for exile in "Prince John-istan" and the younger one being too cute and royal for More-More.

Both babies ressemble Isabella more than Christian - which means that they favour their royal parent more than the bogan one; Yehudi's lab work came through on this batch - but the boy seems to look more like Fred and the girl a bit more like Mary. Looks like Yehudi's bogan gene screening failed on the middle finger DNA, however. This boy's already demonstrating Xian's favoured middle-digit flashing in an early foreshadowing of his future as an insult-hurling, entitled twenty year old visiting seedy Bangkok watering holes with his scurrilous gargoyle cousins.

"They are so beautiful". Fred looking at his kids with love oozing out between the whiskers; Mary posing, thinking how glad she is that they are out of her, thinking how much weight she lost through that horrid thing called breast-feeding please God let it be over, and thinking, these puppies will ensure that I always have an excuse not to work much! For More-More, this could be as close to that emotion called "love" as she can get!

Daisy's turning 71 in April and at an age where she is giving up the charade. After the embarrassment of her grand 70th birthday being overshadowed by her bogan daughter-in-law's conception of twins on live television at the expense of the last thread of her son's dignity, the queen will not be spending her birthday with a balcony appearance at Amalienborg in Copenhagen next door to the growing Boganborg family and their psychedelic palace. Fred's thrash rock stereo utterances and his cries (as well as those of four children) are vibrating the walls of her own place. Daisy's not stupid - she's heading to her private haven at Marselisborg in Aarhus this year! No Mary pouting in the corner, no babies spitting up on Henrik's ivory phallus collection, no runaway nannies in the middle of the night tripping up the alarm system. Just peace and quiet!

Danish Oscar winner Susanne Bier in a pretty blue dress and darling Victoria doing the royal honours for us in a pretty, 70s inspired dress. And in a nod to small country syndrome, BB spotlights Scarlett Johanssen only because she has a Danish surname.

Bubbles! BB editors again let silly, comedy spots do the real talking, from Daisy and Henrik's official visit to Bahrain. Clockwise from upper left:
Henrik: "Listen, I booked with a pool view."
Daisy: "Is it an oil painting?"
Henrik: "Damn the country running out of oil!"
Daisy: "Do you even make salad oil?"
Daisy: "They have more nannies than Frederik and Mary..." (!!)

As Mary and Fred's mouthpiece, Jon Bloch Skipper of the Royal Mailbag must set the record straight on why the Boganborg family made the bad choice of Thursday, 14 April for the christening of the "miracle twins". However, he's speaking more out of truth than out of PR obligations. Did their cheque bounce, Jon? They are in the red again. "I see that there is criticism of their chosen date in the newspapers. I must confess that I too am annoyed at the fact that baptism will take place on a weekday and at a time when thousands of Danes are either at or en route to and from work. A royal baptism should be a national anniversary, the majority of Danes have the opportunity to take part in. It is in the royal family's own interest. The modern monarchy acting as you know about identity, identification and empathy. The selected date is probably the most practical solution but not exactly an open invitation to the general population. It sends, in my opinion, an unfortunate signal." Wow. BB slowly but surely takes the gloves off?

In more annoyance news for Mary, the lovely Kate begins her career as a BB selling tool. Just wait, Mary, the wedding coverage, babies and fashion statements by this young woman will soon eclipse you, especially as it will be a worldwide phenomenon with the British gal, quite unlike with you. BB's readership will soon clamour more for the carefree and lighthearted Catherine as Mary's face continues to harden and her chokehold on the once boyishly charming Prince Frederik will tighten to the point of asphyxiation.

YAAAAAAAAY!! Me got bike! Me got big bike! Aw fa meeeee!! Yay, Fweddie!!! Go fasta, fasta! Go catchup wif big boys!! Yaaaaaayyy!! Me big man now!!!! Vooooom vooooom!

In contrast to her former brother-in-law, Alexandra and her husband Martin go graciously about their work, and attend a charitable dinner for one of her patronages, The Danish Association for the Blind. The Dinner in the Dark celebrated the association's 100th anniversary. Well done, madame! The menu included cavier, fried turbot with cauliflower foam, couscous with lemon and herbs, Australian beef fillet with honey, celery chips and glazed potatoes.

Congratulations are soon in order for Princess Nathalie of Sayn-Wittgenstein-Berleburg who will tie the knot religiously on June 18 at Berleburg. Can't wait to see the photos from that day. The dress, the flowers, the baby's participation, Carina's participation after giving such a dreadful summation of her presque-in-laws, and of course, what shade of white Mary will dare to wear.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Billed Bladet #8: Schackenborg in the snow

The delightful famille Schackenborg hits the slopes in Switzerland where Maman Grassiot and husband have a chalet and where Marie's brother is a ski instructor. What a nice winter break for this mixed family and how wonderful that Nikolai and Felix are so warmly welcomed. The entire family seems to do a great job of not underscoring any divisions between the older boys and lille Henrik! Chapeaux!

Here's Mary's Supernanny! She's British, named Bernadette Lion, a maternity nurse as well as a nanny, and she used to work for Hologram Helle. In fact, that's her pushing the baroness's sons Ludwig and Holger around in a toy car (Mary is godmother to younger brother Holger); that photo was taken during the time of sister Eloise's baptism at home at Gavnø Slot. No word on whether Bernadette speaks Danish. Love the shot of Mary posing with Prince Xian "Tourette's" Boganborg, "naughty" Princess Izzy and a deranged fat guy in a fancy velvet-lined scarf. Work it, Mares! That's right, give us the eyes, sex it up, love!

Bernadette graduated from Eden Nannies & Maternity in England and is described as super professional. She worked for the Reedtz-Thott family for a couple of years after Eloise's birth. (Carina Axelsson is Eloise's godmother.) Eden says it prides itself on the highest standards among its graduates and on their worldwide placement. BB acknowleges that Bernadette's presence and expertise allows Mary the luxury of being able to go out and about with her two oldest children, her husband or her dog Ziggy. Would Mary leave someone alone in her home, though? Bernadette! Pst! Download the Amber Petty emails!

BB socks it to Mares by allowing the Royal Dress of the Week to go to her wedding rival Letizia - again rocking a pretty red dress. Will the nightmares never end about the skinny, smart Spanish girl teasing our Danish bull (neck) with flaming red fabric!? Interesting button tiara in the middle of the first page!

Much to Mary's shock (although it shouldn't be, this is all due in part to her snubbing of Charles's wedding to Camilla, despite an explicit invitation to the Danish Crown Princess), it is Daisy and Henrik who will be travelling to London for William's wedding to the lovely Catherine. All that prep! All that planning! The facial re-planing, the Botox, the celery stick diet! The Dulux paints advert all ready to be applied to her handbag! The Huggies logo to be adhered to the soles of her shoes, exposed with each step as she performed the carefully choreographed slow-mo ascent up the aisle at Westminster Abbey, looking around as if a catwalk model! The jokes she would have shared with Posh Spice and Sir Elton for the cameras in church! The guaranteed Aussie news coverage, probably higher than the bride herself (so Mary would think)! The better seat placement than that hideous Marie Chantal (Mary is surely intimidated by the sophisticated heiress) and most of the English aristocracy! Port Seton for the win, and you can already hear Unca Peter and his rapist son's drunken Oy-oy-oy's as they watch on the telly. Sigh. The breathtaking world debut alongside the technical, other Queen of Australia will have to wait. Just wait until she's asked to be godmother to William's firstborn, thinks Mary, just wait!

BB is just naughty! They ask Mary's bridal gown designer Uffe Frank to design a dress for Kate! Did you ever!? What did poor Kate ever do to be swaddled in yellowish, badly boned and sewn satin, looking like the farmer's daughter as she marries only the world's most eligible bachelor, tightly drawn center part exposing gray roots and thinning hair? At least Kate's weight loss hasn't much affected her potato face, thank goodness, unlike Mary's gaunt, anorexia-victim bitch face, with appropriate horror-film soundtrack Zadok the Priest in the background.

Aren't they cute? Those little Dutch princesses are adorable and seem to be having a lovely time with Mums and Dads and Grams in the snow of Lech, Austria. Wouldn't it be wonderful if Willem-Alexandra and Maxima were in attendence at the London wedding!? I believe the last time they saw Daisy was during the night of the lunch-ticket twins' fatal conception by tongue kiss on live Danish television. WA and Maxi will have a great time running into Vickan and Daniel in London. More to burn Mary's bacon as she watches the wedding on the telly back home in Denmark, in dirty sweatpants, a twin attached to each teat.

Frex gives an interview confirming, er, denying that anything's wrong. Right? Derf, you fell into a trap and I think you like it. He's looking for help, but too scared to claim it. He seems to be saying, "did you ever see that Seinfeld episode where George's girlfriend refuses to break up with him, and that other one with Man Hands?! It was just supposed to be an Olympics fling. Just a few nights of wham, bam, thank you ma'am, and the next thing I know, I'm getting bills from the florist for weekly orchid deliveries. She never went home, she just moved in!"

Now let us turn our attention to a happy family on their winter holiday! All the boys are so cute and it's clear that they all have a great relationship and that the older and younger boys have a nice rapport. Lille Henrik in his snow suit and sunnies is too cute!

Caroline Fleming gave birth to her third child and second son a few months ago and she's found the time, while in Denmark, to meet with a young cancer patient named Emilie. 16 year old Emilie calls it the happiest day of her life. She and her family were invited over to Caroline's family castle, Valdemars Slot, via the Make A Wish group when the young woman wrote a letter saying how much she would like to meet Mrs. Fleming. Nice wish fulfillment, Caro!

Madde and Chris O'Neill are still going strong. Madde's a funny one. She doesn't mind eating and accentuating the curves, she sort of works for a children's organisation, but she's kind of precious with the gold, fur-trimmed princess parka. I guess being a real live Barbie doll actually appeals to her. There is still some maturing to do to shake that off. Hopefully, her time in NYC will help, but it would be best if she could ditch her enablers/staff/friends and just make a big city go of it.