Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Billed Bladet #32, 2010

This 32nd edition of BB should be called With Love from The Danish Royal Family to the Danish Tax Payer: Bend Over and Take It. And Smile When You Do It. A very old, but Photoshopped Mary is on the cover to exclaim "I am So Happy", "It Was a Huge Surprise For Us" and other lies. You would be happy, too, if your luxury, life pension were just guaranteed. More telling is the smaller photo of a post-bender Freddums. Buck up, Fred! There will be three extra nannies to compensate for the inconvenience to your sailing schedule!

Mary's teensy bump and her two oldest gargoyles made an appearance at the Danish Navy's 500th Anniversary. Looks like Xian Amin Mugabe Ceausescu is trying to hold up three fingers! Has Mary actually planted a surprise third baby? Just in case the happily married, radiant mother Princess Marie has plans to make an announcement of her own? Mary in typical fashion victim mode - she read somewhere in a Vogue filler item that beige has made a comeback. And took it seriously. Let's see - who can wear beige? Tick ... tick ... tick ... anyone?

Eek. Someone should have told Mary that she can be an icon of many kinds - but she cannot wear acid yellow. Only a woman with blemish free and very dark skin, even features, and divine arms could wear this top. Michelle Obama could just about wear it - but a sallow, gaunt woman in an unhappy marriage, with Gollum skin, simply cannot wear it!

Back to usual, Mary gets royal dress of the week when even Benedikte and Marie look a million times better. This magazine knows full well the delicate art of magazine diplomacy - a little sop to Mary this way will allow a little more leeway in the "damned with faint praise", "no overt comparison but yeah, we get it, Marie is better on all fronts" items!

Now here's Mary pictured in the infamous Amazon dress: the one with an odd sag that makes her look as though she has had a breast cut off - perhaps the better to aim her bow at any or all of the assorted royals who make her feel so inferior. Take that, real royals! Take that, beautiful sister-in-law!

Fred looking disheveled and stoned at the Swedish sail club where he escaped after the news of the babies was released. He was looking for Victoria.

Joachim may be just over a year younger than Freddles, but they were raised like twins. They were dressed alike and in the same class at school. So, the psychological origins are being addressed here. Says volumes about Fred's manic appearance and Joachim's publically joyful and privately pained reaction to Fred's twin news.

The Sluuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrpppppppsons are overjoyed. A reprieve! Another few years with snouts in the Danish Taxpayer Trough! They may even squeak in an attempt to make a match between one of the Freckled Gargoyles (Mary's nieces) and some minor European royalty. Well, Papa Jock ain't wearing a little faux aristo signet ring on his pinkie for nuffink! Needz more aristo in-laws! They are an addiction! Papa "Half Mast" Slurrpson reports that he got the news of the twins from his sister in Scotland. Mary's now irrelevant sisters heard from somewhere or other. We've been wondering why Mary's sisters have been so comprehensively sidelined - is it because they make up a dreadful "mirror" for Mary when she sees them? Mary in three years ... in five years ... under the spotlight and ageing fast.

Marie also wants more children, says the headline of an article about her visit to a rose festival and exhibit of christening dresses. Marie, it is noted all over, does a far better job at these events than the rather haughty Mary. Wait. Is that eucalyptus in Marie's bouquet? Ha! A seamless transfer of seniority, from the crazy depressed Crown Princess to the cheerful and personable Princess Marie, who is even cheeky enough to sniff a bit of Tassie Eucalyptus along with the rose scent! Subtle signalling from the providors of that bit of war-footing diplomacy! Wha hae!

Self-centered Mary stayed home, but Daisy met up with the Norwegian royals and former Danish royals (they're looking at YOU, Ingrid!) at Countess Ruth of Rosenborg's funeral. Even though Mary didn't bother to make an appearance, Hologram Helle and her older husband were there. She's really working hard for that godmother position!

A little nugget about how the pregnant TV Baroness has dropped Mary from the Fashion Week parties. Only Mary would have the prickly personality to offend a long term friend who is also on her third pregnancy. What would be bonding material for any other woman, Mary finds competitive!

Royal Mailbag. A question about the wedding waltz in Stockholm, a querry about the estate church where Countess Alexandra married Martin Jørgensen (interesting!) and a demand for a distinction between two Princesses Irene - one of Greece, the other of The Netherlands.

Royal Roundup. Madonna directing a film about Wallis and Edward; Mette-Marit; Autumn & Peter Philips; Infanta Elena.

Style Finder. Mary's 4th or 5th one shouldered white ballgown that she wore to one of Victoria's pre-wedding parties is by Malene Birger and sells for 5000 kroner.

How can you not like Henrik? Here he is knee deep in mud, digging up oysters for a dinner he prepared for his friends including Daisy's Norwegian skiing buddy and a LIW.

Fred soitenly lightens up when Mary is away and young, nubile tennis stars come to play! Frederik's penchant for the sportive is long-known. Such a shame he fell for the "Sporty Mary" nonsense all those long, long years ago ...

Final installment of the summer photo series featuring the beautiful offspring of other royal couples with the gorgeous, adorable Spanish infantitas. Poor Mary's gar-bogans just can't compete! (Well, they are perfectly contented and presentable in company with the nannies ... poor little mites, Mary's kids even turn to the burly bodyguards for affection).

Marie and Joachim took advantage of their time in Copenhagen to spend time on board a tall ship in the Copenhagen harbour and hit the race track with Marie's dashing brother Edouard, in town to see his sister and cuddle with the delightful lille Henrik.

The Greek royal family is gearing up for the wedding of Nikolaos to his betrothed. The wedding will be on 25 August on the island of Spetses. Mary is to attend without her husband, but with her mother in law and Joachim and Marie. Victoria, Daniel, Carl Philip and Madeleine are due from Sweden. There will be discreet jostling for a spot next to Marie and Joachim, and someone will draw the short straw and have to attend to Mary! Also attending are Letizia and her mother in law Sofia. According to this list, Haakon and Mette-Marit as well as Willem Alexander and Maxima will also attend.

Victoria and Daniel have returned from their honeymoon and hit the golf course with Daniel's family. Now that's two sporty people in love!

Benedikte says that little Konstantin looks like his father. He is set to be baptised this fall.

Since the Crown Princely Couple have treated BB to the best news they could get (more copies of the mag to be sold in the future), BB is in turn treating us to a little supplement illustrating the love of Mary and Fred through photos that have been published many times before. We didn't buy into it then, what makes them think we'll do it now? And, again, it buys them a little more "damning time" beneath this cynical smokescreen! Anyways, any revenue is welcome. BB will publish anything for a few royal kroner, fresh from Cartier, Huggies, JetStar & Dulux, and lightly laundered in Mary's back pocket along the way!

This article indicates that Henrik has his hopes on Marie having another child! Blatant!

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