Thursday, August 25, 2011

Crown Princess Mary's Off to Africa: Screw You, Daisy & Marie!

"Yay! Cape Town this time of year is gorgeous! You want to announce the empending birth of a baby girl and steal my Summer Tour thunder, Maree? Honey, I am the queen of that shit and I will CRUSH you if you try to steal my twinsie lovie cruisie happy family time BS waving to the peasants. I was wearing a HAT and carrying some baby. Don't eff with me in a hat with a baby. It's all I've got. Well, that and my new 6-digit raise. Thanks, sucker Danes!"

Did anyone tell Mary that the Horn of Africa isn't the lower tip near Cape Horn, but rather the scorchingly hot, dry, politically dysfunctional and humanly desparate corner where war-torn Somalia, Ethiopia and Eritrea are located? They are starved of not just Prada, but also shipments of US rice. When someone told her that pirates are there, did she think, "finally, Johnny Depp will meet me. Lucky him!"? Did no one tell her the climate will rip her carefully held together facial skin to shreds? Mwoah.

Since Mary's private PR firm, The McCann Group had already made the arrangements, court PR agent Lene Balleby had no choice but to announce today via the royal website that Mary will embark upon a mission to find and be seen with George Clooney in the lead up to her Looker Me! America Tour in October. Mary completely bypassed the palace Grey Men on thissie! What she doesn't know is that Daisy didn't put a stop to it, saying something about "enough rope" between puffs.

Technically, Lene must call this a "humanitarian mission", which isn't exactly incorrect; Mary will be reaping many ego-soothing benefits from the publicity, photographers and love from icky poor people. At least they aren't fat. Madam hates fat people. No word on the benefit to the region from the visit of this vulgar, narcissistic scrubber.

Even Politiken (republican broadsheet) is reporting the news with a straight face. Or is it so straight so as to make the ridiculousness of this publicity stunt all the more apparent? Not even a word about her "game-changing" (hehe) visit to Uganda in their report:

Princess Mary will travel to the Horn of Africa from Friday to Sunday to put focus on hunger catastrophe in the Horn.

The Crown Princess will take off with Development Minister Søren Pind's delegation, and they will together visit the drought-stricken areas.

During the visit, the Minister will discuss how aid organizations should handle the many refugees and how the international community can help the stricken Somali refugees.

At the same time the minister informs that he will visit refugee camps in the area and a Danish-funded project, which demonstrates that long-term humanitarian assistance is an important key to preventing disasters.

The UN says that about 12.5 million people in the Horn of Africa are affected by drought and conflict.

It is mainly Ethiopia, Kenya, Djibouti and Somalia suffering from the prolonged drought that is expected to be even worse in the rest of 2011.

The situation is worst in Somalia, where ongoing conflict also makes it difficult to get out to those who need relief.

The Crown Princess was last on a similar trip was in December 2009 in Afghanistan, when she visited Danish soldiers in the country with then-Defense Minister Søren Gade.

"Black people love me."

Mary has the largesse to pay this visit by actually cutting short the already very short and Daisy-mandated annual summer cruise to Jutland on the Dannebrog where she is supposed to engage as effectively as possible in "loving, wifely, motherly photo opportunities". Another Mary fail. She just can't stand to be outdone (in her own warped mind) by her sexy, naturally fecund sister-in-law, so no waiting even another week, or a few weeks in order to properly plan this. Pity the Danish team being scrambled together as you read this.

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