Friday, August 26, 2011

Cruisus Interruptus: The Danish Crown Princess Pulls Out

Is this working? Does anyone buy what we're selling?

Until her private PR firm The McCann Group decided to interfere on her behalf and make sure she was a last minute attachment to a Very Important Danish Humanitarian Mission with a leading Danish MP, Crown Princess Mary of Denmark was obligated to perform favourite waving standards from the Royals Meet The Peasants playbook on board the HMS We Own You, aka the Dannebrog. Hat and gloves? Check. Shawl over suit or high-end dress? Check. Fred's carcass dressed in a sailor suit with tin medals? Check. Chubby babies? Check. All as Daisy has carefully planned and designed.

However, once the call came in from McCann that they indeed found an opportunity to Get Mary Back on the Front Pages after Madam had issued such an edict to them in the wake of that goddamn Marie announcing a frigging girl-pregnancy and that goddamn Se og Hør using "greedy" under her photo, and the goddamn negativity after her raise was announced for next year. Joisuz! A bogan can't stay on page 2 for long!

(No word from royal attorney Henrik Wedell-Wedellsborg on whether or not Madam has actually violated the terms of her post-nuptial agreement by backing out of the annual summer cruise and going full speed into a Narcissist's wet dream of a PR exercise. Daisy may have instructed him not to pounce just yet and to instead get out a pen and paper and get ready for the next few days of note-taking as reports come in from Mary's visit to the nightmare zone called the Horn of Africa.)

So on Day One, 22 August, sailing into Skagen, Mary and Freddums were dressed to the nines with the turkey baster twins dressed in their mini-adult outfits (Josie in Nanny MacGillicudy's favourite oatmeal cardi, bless her) and draped in white blankets in a nod to their MoreMore's prediliction for being associated with peek-a-boo, burlesque symbolism. Here is BT's gallery of the day.

They were greeted by the town's grand poo-bahs and taken to the Skagen Art Museum, the type of venue where Mary likes to wax poetic with heavy hand gestures, followed by lunch and entertainment by the Drachmann Girls (a Freddy-approved schedule highlight, no doubt). Mary Donaldson was first to sign the guest book, graciously handing the pen afterward to the future king of the land.

In the afternoon, Fred visited a fish oil producer (for a healthy, youth serum?), Karsten's Shipyard, then the Skagen Brewery (for a truth serum?).

Mary was shipped off to a preschool (joined by Fred in a reputation-saving schedule change), an arthritis centre, and the Electromarine company. Why must the vulnerable young, sick and easily electrocuted be subject to Mary's attentions?

In the evening the couple were reunited at the Klitgården. The klit being, of course, the Danish word for the female version of the presque-zizi. Fred enjoys visiting clit gardens wherever in the world he may be; cultivating varieties from all over the world, particularly SE Asia, is a royal hobby. Sometimes he even gets passive-aggressively locked out of the house by his wife because he enjoys himself so much. Klitgården also can mean a dunescape of which there are some magnificent ones in this region, where there was - again - an awkward photo opp.

Day Two, 23 August, the royal ship sailed for Hantsholm and Thisted. The couple were formally greeted and given a freebie before splitting up again. Here is a video of the day's activities, including the presentation of a hilarious portrait of Mary made by local Afghani and Kurdish refugees that seems to leave her a bit flomuxed. Here is BT's photo gallery of Day Two.

Freddles was visited a fish food company before visiting a wave energy company. Hopefully, his love vibes were re-calibrated to "Katja"-level magnets.

Meanwhile, Crown Princess Mary of Denmark visited an asylum centre (no specifications about whether this was a nut house, and therefore her final stop, or a locale for immgrants to Denmark who actually have to prove fidelity to the Danish nation and master the language before they can be admitted as citizens). She was then taken to the Seefood smokehouse, which may have reminded her too much of visiting her chimneys-in-law.

After lunch together, Crown Prince Frederik visit a klitmøller, møller being the word for mill. Clit mills are a passion of Frederik and the higher the productivity of such mills, the happier Fweddie gets. A klitmøller can also mean an area of dunes built to provide protected harbour with boardwalks, etc. At the one he visited, some of the local kids were surfing and Fred talked about surfing in Tasmania - with his brother and friends, no mention of his locally-born wife. Princess Mary Boganson was sent to visit another preschool; perhaps Mary and Kids is seen as a sort of "scared straight" corrective for potential bad behaviour on the children's part.

After a carriage ride through town and a reception at city hall, there was evening musical entertainment and another reception aboard the royal yacht.

24 August was considered a "day off" from two consecutive days of very hard and stressful work (contrast to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge in North American for 13 straight days of full schedules and long distance flying; no wonder Mary wasn't invited to the wedding). Fred spent the day at a fish auction; here is a gallery of BT's photos. Pretty bad when a husband would rather spend the day with crustaceans than his wife.

"You look familiar. Where have we met? Ah, yes, the Slip Inn! Eesh."

Here are Isopix photos of Mary and Tanja going between the boat and a minivan with the twinsies on a scheduled outing due to the crowds lining the 20 metre route. But dark clouds were looming on the horizon for Mary, and in the afternoon came the kicker. Amalienborg announced that mulit-lingual, happy, beautiful Princess Marie and regal, articulate, cultured Prince Joachim were expecting their second child together.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! "Keep it together, Mary, here comes the press. Dress yourself and Fred in black and pretend to be thrilled. Perfect!"

Day Three, 25 August, had the royal couple visiting Hirsthals where they were greeted by the mayor at city hall then had a carriage ride through town to a musical performance at a town square. Here is a video of the day's events.

You can read the fury and confusion on Crown Princess Mary Sluurpppppson's face in these photos on the deck of the ship; they contrast with the over-done happy faces she pulls on the first two days of this summer tour. Not to worry, Team Mary is working overtime as these photies are being taken to plan a scene-stealing event that that bitch Marie cannot top.

Lunch was at the North Sea Science Centre where there are exhibits and aquaculture. Mary and her minders excused themselves early for an emergency coordination meeting: Lene had arranged quick accommodations for the following scenario with the full cooperation of the marine scientists and auditorium MC. Crown Princess Mary toured the Oceanarium where Crown Prince Frederik made a dive into one of the tanks. Standing on her red carpet "landing-strip" (indicative of the presque-zizi after its monthly epilation), dramatically laid right in front of the tank's glass, the couple made the world's most awkward, pre-planned "lover's kiss". Here is BT's gallery of photos of the stunt. But Fred's messaging was clear (no wonder he went along with the plan!): "Mary, I'd rather swim in murky fish shit and pretend to embrace you through a metre of glass than touch you in real life". Oops. Lene! Here's the cringeworthy video from JP.

Another emergency meeting of Crown Princess Mary's team was held. This time Madam had them find out that an MP would be visiting the Horn of Africa on a humanitarian mission the next day. Mary: "starving children?" Lene: "er, yes, plenty of them, and their families, too." Mary: "perfect. Isn't that where George Clooney and Angelina Jolie live?" Team: "er." Mary: "Tanja, call your husband and let him know he'll have to take care of the kids for a few more days, we're going to Africa! I've been needing a fresh, new Princess Margaret moment for a while, and Marie, Daisy and Se og Hør have provided me with the perfect opportunity! Lene, call Miss Amber Petty and get her to fly up for a few days. Please find a luxury spa in a nice, colonialised area nearby and make the appropriate reservations."

The rest of the programme nearly got lost in the grand announcement that Mary will indeed be accompanying Søren Pind to Africa. But Mary does nothing if not rise to the top. Her she takes over for a disheartened and inappropriately unaffectionate Freddles. This upcoming few days' respite will probably be written off on the books as "mental health days" for the couple.

At the end of their separate programmes for the day, there was another reception on the royal yacht for local dignitaries and other guests from which Mary rudely left after everyone had arrived, wind machine at the ready for "sexy saviour" photos. Madam has to pack for her grand entry into Africa, so scroo you, grab a drink and hope that the clown prince can retrieve the spirit of the party now that the future queen has judged starving black kids more important than her countrymen and women who have been looking forward to this visit for months. Billed Bladet has a gallery of Madam's grand exit from this far-too-provincial summer tour - wedding ring back on.

Day Four, 26 August, Crown Prince Frederik of Denmark is off to complete this full day's agenda on his own. This is actually a very fortunate task for him to get used to and a visual that Danes should adjust to; life post-divorce and pre-Crown Princess Katja will need some public acceptance and Fred working solo goes a long way to helping ease the shock of the divorce announcement.

Leave it to Fred to step up when necessary, however. After having opened the large Aarhus Festival, he attended the evening gala where his scheduled speech suddenly took a very blunt turn. Jyllands-Posten has the article here. "To err is human" was the theme and the messaging couldn't be more clear.

"It is human to err and well-known that the world is not perfect. Every day things happen that are not ideal, and we must note that errors are made - even if you try to be careful."

Mary is the mistake and Danes must ponder your forgiveness. It will surely come after Crown Princess Katja brings a stability and happiness to wee Freddles that is currently and sorely lacking. Daisy usually opens the Aarhus Festival, but has wisely delegated the task to her heir. Daisy knows that before a divorce pill can be swallowed by the Danes that Mary must be made out to be the bad guy and Freddles must show wisdom and contrition. Bravo, Frede! Your bit is done. Now it's up to Mary to flounce into Africa with her stylists and designer sunnies and set off the rest of the plan.


  1. "clit mill" - priceless! As good as "deep c diving"!

  2. LOL. That is the lowest they have gone to promote this faux fairy tale!!! More to come( no pun intended) am sure.

    From "lover's kiss"