Saturday, August 13, 2011

Billed Bladet #31: Royal Danish Summer Fun!

Get out your dental floss! This issue is the publishing equivalent of a chocolate toffee followed by a caramel popcorn chaser. It takes forever to chew, sticks in your craw and makes you sick to your stomach. Otherwise known as the annual Graasten Family Circus Chew. Sure to ruin your supper!

"Royal Summer 2011: They're so sweet, Here are Josephine and Vincent, Family Get-together at Graasten"

The summer starts for our two favourite numbskulls after the Monaco wedding when they go straight to Cayx to hang out for a while with Hamish Campbell, his wife, Professor "Half-Mast" Boganson and the Moody Dumpling. An Aussie gang bang for long suffering Frederik. But Fred's turn came after the Sluuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrppppers were finally chased back to their converted goat barn with satellite dish down the road from the Chateau de Cayx, with stashed boxes of Henrik's swill to take them through the end of the summer: Fred and his de jure, if not de facto, wife joined friends Jeppe & Birgitte Handwerk in Croatia on the yacht owned by Scanomat coffee king Kim Vibe-Petersen and his wife. The Parsifal III was the boat the Vibe-Petersens (along with son Sebastian) and the Handwerks were on with Mary, Fred, Christian and Izzy in 2009. I'll bet some serious promises needed to come from Fred to both couples before they'd go through that special hell of being in close quarters on a boat with Mary again.

Because the Crown Princely couple was in Croatia on a yachting holiday with rich friends of Fred's on 22 July, it was terribly inconvenient when the Norwegian tragedy occurred. Not to worry, there was no existential self-examination and staying awake at night by Denmark's next king and queen - they were never intent on breaking up their holiday fun. When bad things happen, Mary feels sooooooo much better when she is ensconced in luxury on someone else's dime.

"Mary moved to tears". Nice try, Mary, but the next time you want to convince anyone that you actually cried tears of grief, try stuffing your purse with freshly chopped onions, then pretend to fish around for your expensive lip gloss or hand creme like normal. If she was crying at all, it was because her Croatian yachting holiday was cut short. G-ddamned Norwegians. Does Mary even have tear ducts? If there had actually been water coming out of those eyes, 1) they would be red; 2) Mary would have to wipe the tears onto something, and she didn't wipe her fingers on her dress or chair (although she had no problem wiping her own snot onto her hand at Xian's christening, then wiping the snot onto the 19th century antique christening gown; 3) her makeup would be smeared (that's a LOT of lower lash liner and mascara); and 4) her face wouldn't be so open with a cranked mouth, as if she were actually just brushing an eyelash away. The see-through brim was a nice touch, however, to try to look demure while still being completely visible.

The Crown Prince and Crown Princess of Denmark are definitely living separate lives. This pathetic little hand-hold for show is a pretty good indicator of Fred's unwillingness to touch Mary anymore. Note his hand is not so firmly wrapped around her index finger only and it is her arm that has reached over to him. All of that acting experience from his youth is definitely coming in handy in these final days of their marriage. This is definitely not a couple who enjoy emotional intimacy and a satisfying sex life!

But the show must go on even after the church appearance in Copenhagen. So, it's off to Legoland in Jutland, north of Graasten. Seems that while Alexandra and Jefferson didn't deny their kids Richard and Ingrid a good time at the amusement park, they themselves couldn't stomach another summer with Mary after last year's twins announcement/divorce postponement debacle.

"Family Happiness." Eesh. Hm, did Mary dress Josephine in a dress to match Izzy just so that she could hide her sausage fingers underneath the skirt? Because those cute turkey baster twins would have looked adorable in matching bubble suits. Too aristocratic/Women's Exchange for a slapper from Taroona? Daisy's face says it all: staying polite but firmly reticent in front of that daughter-in-law and the weird grandkids.

The twins are cute little dumplings.

But Fred is so wistful here. Hang on a couple more years, Fred! Katja will still be beautiful when you are finally free!

The body language and seating arrangements speak for themselves. Everyone seems to be going along with Daisy's plan to make Mary feel up front and centre, the prime focus of the day. Will come in handy to reduce the blood, sweat and tears of the divorce decree!

Daisy probably didn't even have to instruct the Schackenborgs and the Berleburgs to take a back seat at a half a bargepole length from La Boganista. They are reacting to Mary "Holden Commodore" Donaldson like one should properly react to a sociopath in their midst: refuse eye contact, keep a safe physical distance and refuse to engage except for neutral smiles and low-grade laughs when Mary flickers with a need for attention. Self-protection is job number one around such narcissistic manipulators.

Awww, sweet Marie caught up with her beloved brother-in-law and with lille prins Henrik tried to engage with Princent. Children have a sixth sense about people, and wise lille Henrik senses something off with the otherwise cute Princent. Poor thing can't help that his mother is Crown Princess Mary! Sweet photo of Marie holding onto both her son and Prince Nikolai. There is genuine affection there, and it's great to see Marie reach out and embrace Joachim's oldest sons so well.

"Romantic Horseride." Pfffff. These two were sent out for a mild trot on horseback at a pace the invited cameras could easily capture (and that Mary could keep up with!). Daisy's smart; her choice to send the couple out for "happily married couple" photos fed Mary's need to be seen as an equestrienne and contributed to the argument that Fred, although not personally that fond of horseriding, would not deny his darling wife her beloved hobby. A very handy strategy to engage for when divorce lawyers are called to the palace to determine fault.

Fred's eyes are tired and downturned. Mary's eyes are heavily made up and focussed directly on the photographer's lens!

Bits and pieces from the happy family summer in Graasten. Henrik took off for the gym in his classic, convertible Buick. He stayed for an hour to treat his bad back with physical therapy. Cute t-shirt of him and Dais from her 70th birthday celebrations. Ah, a photo that captures the final moments of stress-free relief before the bogan-in-law tongue-kissed his son between too many glasses of champagne that led to the conception of the twin destiny-bomb babies. Merde, alors!

Oops, there's Daisy, Mary, the children and the nannies arriving in Graasten after the Norwegian memorial ceremony at Copenhagen Cathedral. (Fred was required to make the long drive from Copenhagen - can't travel together with Mummy!) This is the very same travel expenditure that Daisy and royal team are now in a bit of hot water about with some government ministers. Smart of her to surround herself with children so as to negate the Parliamentary sting. Again, faux Mary-care is a good pre-divorce manoeuvre!

A note about how Princess Alexandra of Berleburg and her husband Count Jefferson skipped Graasten this year in order to spend a holiday with her cousin Prince Philip of Hesse and his wife on Capri. Philip was the prince Amber Petty hooked up with in Thailand following the 2004 royal wedding. Smart of them to plan an escape from cousin Fred as long as he's still married to Mary. He's so difficult to be around these days!

Also, a note that Prince Gustav and Carina Axelsson are like new lovers all over again. Gag. Carina turned 43 the next day. Wonder how long Carina will be around once Mary leaves?

Weeks fashion. Naturally, they have to give Mary top billing in her pretty Prada summer dress that doesn't have the correct fit for her body.

BB just can't ignore that wonderful Duchess of Cambridge who is doing more for Danish fashion than the Danish Crown Princess!

Among the letters, one about who gets Berleburg as long as Gustav and Carina are childless. The short answer is that his cousin Bernhart will inherit the estate. Carina may not even want kids, but prefer a luxurious life and hang around until she either can common law divorce Gustav for a nice, fat lump sum (with threats of revealing DRF secrets if necessary, too), or until her career as an authoress and artist take off, making her independently wealthy and therefore rendering Gustav unnecessary? Why not be a rich woman bopping between Paris, London, Vienna and New York dating rich men and being invited to all the best cocktail parties and dinners?

A peek at the letter Daisy handwrote and sent to her cousin Harald on Dannebrog stationery from Greenland when the Oslo and Utøya violence occurred.

22 July 2011

Dear Harald,
We have just during our trip to Greenland heard about the terrible events that happened in and around Oslo today.
We send you and your family and the Norwegian people our heartfelt thoughts and sympathy.

Daisy Henrik

In an article on JK Rowling and the end of the Harry Potter stories, BB can't help but remind you that the author met and was charmed by Princess Marie a couple of years ago on a visit to Denmark. That Marie has what it takes to meet internationally recognised writers and speak to them intelligently and in beautiful English!

A report on how well Prince Joachim's interview on radio's Cafe Hack programme went. He was charming, witty and opened up about many aspects of his life, including his admiration for David Bowie and his music.

Anne-Marie was with her two older sisters to open the season at Graasten and catch up with a quick visit without any children or grandchildren. She hightailed it back to London or Greece long before Mary arrived at the summer palace with her four meal tickets and the used, empty carcass of the man she married seven years ago.

A funny thing spotted within the pages of BB this week: a Danish actress wearing the exact same style dress Mary wore to the Derby in Melbourne in 2002 when Miss Donaldson was sticking to a dumb, rich prince like a barnacle latches onto a wet pier with a vacuum lock of slime. No word on whether she and Mary may have bought the same dress around the same time from a Danish shop, or if this actress found the dress at a bargain price at Haberdash, Mary's favourite re-sale shop, co-owned by her stylist Anja.

Royal Roundup. The Queen and the Duchess of Cambridge get a sneak peek of the show featuring Kate's wedding dress and other memorabilia from this past April's royal wedding. Also, there was a wedding of the cousin of the king of Jordan. In attendance were Daisy's sister Anne-Marie, darling Victoria with Daniel, the indefatiguable Duke of Edinburgh, lots of Benelux royals as well as the queen of Spain. What a wonderful group. No wonder cousin Fred and his strange wife weren't there!

Again, the British royals take up an unexpected amount of Danish magazine page space! The home team just isn't doing it these days! Lovely equestrian Zara Phillips married her rugby player Mike Tindall in Edinburgh. The bride was her usual unfussy but glamourous self in an off-the-rack dress and her great-grandmother Princess Alice's Greek key tiara. In attendance were the core members of the royal family, including a very pretty Princess Beatrice, an unusually elegant Countess of Wessex and a beaming Princess Royal. Congratulations to the happy couple, who skipped a honeymoon in order to each be back at work within the next few days.


  1. Thanks, Kyle! Please do pop in more, especially with any good insider information you might stumble upon.

  2. Hi Cece,

    I am so ashamed that I forget to thank you for the hard work you put in posting BB every week along with your spot on comments. Sorry! And thank you once again :)

  3. That's so sweet of you to say, Maria! Thank you. It's too bad we had to go "off-site" with the scans, but hopefully people are reading them and getting the true story. Please understand that I just have enough time and energy to stay just on this site until the subscription runs out.

  4. What vitriole! Shame on you for publishing such negativity.