Saturday, August 27, 2011

Crown Princess Mary Saves Africa From War and Starvation

"You're welcome, everyone! Whoo, hey, not too close, now!"

"If this shit doesn't get me all over the front pages and have that whole goddamn nation of peasants talking about me as if I were the second coming of Christ, I don't know what will besides triplets. Which I'll do if I HAVE to. But dear god, a gaggle of SEVEN little Derfs? Not yet. This should work for a while. NO ONE is talking about "Greedy Mary" anymore, are they? How can a truly greedy person show up so quickly in a war zone with tragic, sick people? Answer me thatty, Maree. You'll have time to think about it since NO ONE is talking about your maybe baby girl and you're off stuffing your face at a food festival while I'm conquering the very real issue of hunger. Who's the bitch, now? See how quickly and fiercely I can respond to your sugar sweet bullshit? Hurricane Mary, baby. Never steal a Donaldson's thunder. Fred said I'm just being used by the political machine in light of the upcoming elections, which is a no-no for royals, but he's just jealous that he can't meet Angelina Jolie himself. Where is she, anyway? Hm, my hairdresser Søren's over there under that tree with Anja, maybe I should get him to touch-up my mascara. My eyes need to pop for when this makes its way to Australian tv. This super cute DIY Bjork ponytail thinggie is totally going to fool people into thinking my style team isn't even here and makes me look heaps younger! A little prayer of gratitude for the density of the slow Danes!"

Day One

"A photo for posterity, staged like I'm the queen mother visiting her regiment. The Memsahib Brigade! They'll be naming their babies Mary for generations to come!"

"So, is that a water truck over there? Good, yes, I see. So, is that what I'll be using? Does it come purified via reverse osmosis? That's what I like. Keeps my skin smooth. See? Now, let me ask you about what scent of milled soap you've chosen for me."

"I congratulate you all on being brave people and very much strong in the face of exquisite difficulties so great of which you can now say for sure will be experienced experience."

"Hey, you, from Danish television. Focus that camera on me, not the damn plaque. I'M the reason you're here, remember?"

"Me and Edwina Mountbatten, soul sisters. She had India, but I get Africa. Marina of Kent would be totally jealous. I'm going down in history as a very righteous white person. Isn't there a cemetery for us in Jerusalem? And I look so pretty in this new shirt!"

"Yay! Let's all clap! Did they spell my name right?

"This Africa gig is SO much easier and more fun than I thought it would be. Ah, The Mary Tree. Something to remember me by." "I'm only touching you because cameras are around and I need some major happy press. No offense, of course! I'm sure your many wives think you're nice."

"Pretend to scratch cheek so the cameras see that I didn't wear my flashy rings. I need more Humble Mary press. Tuck fingers in to minimise the sausage effect. Look engaged."

"Poke, poke! You still alive? Haha!"

"Just look serious, Mary. It's ok that this bloke's impossible to understand. Confusion on your face will just read as concern."

"Ok, now throw in a smile. Nice. They're eating it up. Oops, bad joke, haha! But God, I hope no one leans in or asks me a question."

"Hi!" pause "So this is your room?" pause "So what do you do for fun here?" pause "My body parts go limp when I'm extremely uncomfortable. How about you?"

"At least I'm sitting in a chair this time, like a truly honoured guest. Gosh it's hot out here. I wish one of them would start fanning me with a palm."

"Hello! No, thanks! Got to keep moving, lots to see, ok, bye!"

"Just look concerned, Mary. She may be younger and skinnier, but she lives in this hell hole. You live in a palace, Mary! Who's better than who?"

"Blah blah blah, you're not that cute, and awfully talky and booooring. Snooze. Søren, say something and get us out of here. I can't hold this pose for much longer."

"One of the most difficult issues we face is that of clean, potable water sources..." "Ew, his shirt looks like it has polyester in it."

Mary was broadcast live from Ethiopia during a nationally televised fundraiser in Denmark to raise money for the people of the Horn of Africa. Here is TV2's video.

Day Two

"Say, you all want to get a little closer together so I can get a better shot? This camera cost a fortune, so don't worry, it'll be a great photo."

"I was so smart to pack my "Africa" shirt with all the little camels on it. It signals to the natives that I get them. And it's in a bright colour so I'll be easily seen on tv."
PR guide: "Dear God, I can barely take the strain of this woman's visit. And why is she wearing a shirt with Saharan and Middle Eastern camels on it? She's in sub-Saharan Africa, for Pete's sake."

"Smile, Mary, cameras at 4 o'clock! Lift the chin to get rid of the jowls. Look serene. Good."

"So, have you tried planting veggie gardens? I have some organic wheatgrass at home that I swear makes the best smoothies."

"I'm going to pretend to listen to you, and hope that you can't notice how deeply uncomfortable I am sitting here with you all."
"Finally, a chair I can relax in. This is more like it. Me in the middle, and Søren What'sIt to the side. Now where are those goddamn fan children?"

"Hurry, take the picture."

"See? No food! You know, Greenlandic children like to rub me to keep me warm, who wants to fan me to keep me cool? Huh?"

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