Saturday, May 21, 2011

Billed Bladet #20: Cue the "Happy Family" Outing!

What a funny issue. It's like the editors of BB are too afraid to admit that Crown Princess Mary of Denmark is a drag and that other people in her sphere are so much more interesting and worthy of their positions - and they are telling the truth through photos instead of words. Because the words would kill all the blue-haired ladies of Denmark, and get picked up by Aussie media types, then it would be ON, with Madam hiring international PR firms for damage control, and... oh, wait. Read on, dear ones, this is exactly what happens. Mwoah. Good luck, Lene Balleby!

So, Daisy, via Lene, ordered some "happy family for make Danes forget problems" photos for her wayward daughter-in-law and son. Fred's tan from Greenland underscores the freedom he is now tasting with a court-ordered vastectomy. No more bogan babies! Daisy's carefully crafted, 1000 year old gene pool has been plenty poisoned in a 6 year span with undignified, sociopathic, Pictish contributions. No more!

The children aren't actually retarded, they're just acting out in a strange environment: a normal family outing with both parents who aren't yelling at each other. These kids are so used to fighting, passive-agression, real agression and emotional terrorism that they overcompensate by upping the ante and behaving badly for the negative attention they crave. It at least gets More and Far to ignore each other for a moment to tend to the children's increasingly twisted needs. Very sad situation. More outings with Auntie Marie are what Dr. Geldstein prescribes, but Mary's not talking to him anymore since he obeyed Daisy and tossed out all the little frozen Freddles embryos.

Izzy is supposedly in ballet classes, or at least this is what others assume seeing the young child photographed for German Vogue in a tutu, and walking down the street in a tutu here and discussion of "dance" class. But there is no way she is actually enrolled in classical ballet classes. She wouldn't be wearing a tutu, for one, and for another, a dead-giveaway, her hair would be scraped back into a little bun. She must be enrolled in a creative dance class where little girls are allowed to indulge themselves in fantasy costumes and learn to get comfortable with movement, physical expression and group instruction. Ballet goes a long way toward teaching discipline and grace, two elements missing from Izzy's home education, so let's hope Daisy enrolls her one of these days! Can't have More's stooped shoulders!

One of the daughters of Fred's friends Jeppe and Birgitte Handwerk is also in Izzy's dance class. Palma arrived with her dad, who has the same Frogman tattoo as Fred, and older sister India arrived later with their mother.

So, now that all of the Yay Mary part of the issue is over and done with (except for her brief Morticia Adamms-style appearance at the Korean State Dinner), lets get going with the Mary's Nightmare portion of this issue: the beautiful women who surround Fred, and those who would have made him a much happier man. Why, look! Here's Katja! Looking stunning, too, in a gold-print silk dress at a cocktail party for designer Dea Kudibal that was also attended by Rose Gad, wife of Fred's friend Holger Foss. Team Derf sending out acolytes to plant seeds and send messages back and forth between former lovers?

Marie and her cute bootie won Royal Dress of the Week and she also got called out for the pretty hairstyle at the airport to greet the Korean diplomats. Twice as old as Mary, but also twice as hot is the wife of Ove Ullerup, the Queen's Court Marshall, in a Letizia-inspired red, knock-out dress.

Nice choice of photo of Derf and Marie looking like a very attractive Crown Princely Couple. It really is about Fred and Anyone Else, isn't it?

Some of the guests, including Marie's attractive current and former ladies-in-waiting and their husbands.

More guests, including Mary's LIW Tanja, Fred's babysitter Christian Schønau and Court PR manager Lene Balleby who looks much better with her hair down.

Interesting photos of Mary in her horribly re-designed wedding tiara. Neither royal brother is able to make eye contact with her. Who could blame them! "Medusa" has become the family nickname for her from the Greek story of the woman who turns people to stone and has hair of snakes - an honest mistake based on badly inserted Romanian wiglets. But it's mostly very funny how Mary is clearly upset with the size and impact of her wedding tiara. She sees Maxima in several gorgeous, historic pieces, even Letizia and Mette-Marit have 2 or 3 they can switch between, and then there's Marie in a larger, family piece especially chosen by Daisy. Mary knows her chain was bought at auction since the rubies technically belong to Fred. But the hot-glued seed pearls are not substantial enough, nor well-positioned enough, to give this tiara any beauty or gravitas. Eat your heart out, Mary Donaldson. That general store piece of tin still ain't this one!

What nice, easy rapport between Derf and the Schackenborgs! Marie is friendly with Fred, loving toward her husband and present, enthusiastic and respectful at the closing event for the South Korean presidential entourage at the Glyptotek museum. This threesome has such an easy time around each other, and the brothers' Marie sandwich is just the ticket for a long-starved and undernourished Freddles.

Even Daisy gets in on the anti-Mary fun by showing off the wonderful relationship she has with her bestie Susanne Heering. It was the 30th Jubilee of Susanne's Danse Institut and all the kids Mrs. H teaches were there with her sometimes collaborator, the queen. Crown Princess Mary's bestie is Amber Petty, a washed up, bikie buddy, failed student who gets bitch slapped in pubs, steals husbands from their families, and can't keep a job at a provicial radio station and looks ridden hard and hung up wet. Daisy's bestie is an accomplished dancer and business owner, sharing her talents with the next generation, the proud mother of one of Fred's best friends and happy grandmother who just celebrated her 70th birthday and yet looks so much more vital and happy than Mary's bestie.

How can you not love this photo at the bottom of the page of Daisy drinking via straw from a kid's apple juice container, holding both her ciggie and a sausage roll from one of Copenhagen's ubiquitous sausage carts, the pølsevogn. If Mary had any savvy whatsoever, she would be seen buying a sausage from one of those carts and eating it as she walked through town. I swear, that would guarantee her being named Dane of the Year for 10 years running. Let's see if her PR team can figure out something so simple!

One more blow, this one's an upper cut! Princess Maxima turns 40 and is as radiant as ever! This well-loved princess of the Netherlands has skin just as irradiated as Mary's used to be, but all you see is health, happiness and a real zest for life and living. What a gorgeous woman and asset to her new country!

Nice photos of a beautiful young family, and some photos of Maxima on duty - in Mary's company, too. Where, you ask? Note the pale, febrile shadow next to Willem-Alexander as he escorts his vibrantly dressed wife in rubies and Letizia-red. Also note the back of the woman in a toxic-green dress (this originally off-white dress - Mary loves dressing as a bride at weddings - oxidised to green once it touched Mary Donaldson's unwashed skin) posing for photies at the Swedish royal wedding. Maxima's hand is firmly on Mary's back - she's game and friendly, that Dutch girl! Mary's hand seems to fall straight down and grasp the railing behind Maxima. Mary's demonstrated several times her reluctance to human touch, much in the way her clothing here has reacted to her body, much in the way her husband has done the same!

Oh, God, you ask, what's next to highlight Mary's deficiencies? Alex comforting Bulgarian orphans? Why, yes!

And not to be missed, the loving Schackenborg couple whose respectful public displays of affection three years after their marriage contrast glaringly against the awkward public appearances of Fred and Mary who mostly ressemble two eight year olds forced to walk together at a cousin's wedding.

Such a tiny little mention in BB, but such big news! Still reeling from all of these comparisons with women she thinks are just bitches, idiots and whores, Crown Princess Mary has contracted with The McCann Group's Copenhagen office to be her marketing and branding guru for The Mary Fund. Mary Fund my arse! This is for Mary and only Mary. Greenland was a turning point for the DRF and Mary knows she has to engage with professionals for her own version of Diana's Panorama interview. This is no doubt something set up by Princess Josie godmother Josephine Rechner, a marketing communications executive with Q Strategies, Melbourne and someone Mary pegged to be a sympathetic "mentor", manipulating Josephine with plenty of opportunities for nurturing and maternal comforting. A true sociopath always keeps a kinder victim on the side for the times when she manages to finally alienate everyone else.

Koo-koo! Surprise! Darling Mor is sending our two lovebirds to South Korea as a special treat for badly behaving children. Try to PR-firm your way out of thissie, Mares! The news shouldn't come as too big a shock to Derf, however, since this little visit is based on the joke Dais and Derf shared on their bonding/re-organisation tour in Greenland recently about dropping off the Countess af Monpezat at the DMZ where special CIA agents and Fred's old Navy SEALs buddies could help create a "horrible accident" disguising Madam's extradition across the border to become one of Kim Jong-Un's odalisques. The nice thing about North Korea's blackout of Western images and broadcasts is that Mary's looks and build would be considered "most delightful and make for happy man's fat to jiggle". Especially if he needs a field to plow.

A letter asking which national song is older, the British or Norwegian (the British "God Save the Queen"'s melody is used for the 1905 new Norwegian national song "Kongesangen"). Another asking why the former Greek king Paul I's grandson is named Pavlos and what his name would be if he were king (Paul/Pavlos are a name with the same root and if Pavlos were king, the Greeks would call him Pavlos II, and the Danes would refer to him as Paul II). Only one letter on the twins christening, and it's only about who the uniformed gentleman was walking behind the couple on their exit from church (the Queen's adjunct Major Gorm Martin Larsen). Interesting photo addition and question since it keeps the eyes off of the clown princely couple and onto a more distinguished member of the royal staff.

Among the freebies, er, gifts, the new turkey baster babies have received were some from Tasmania. They received two small, decorated wooden boxes filled with children's books from their mother's birthplace, made by a craftsman from Launceton, commissioned by Tassie Premier Lara Giddings.

Ulf Pilgaard is a Danish actor who has had a wonderful career playing Daisy for television and stage revues. Here, he takes on Daisy as grandmother to twins, cigarette dangling out of the side of her mouth and all! A similar scene after Christian was born is in this video clip.

A noble wedding took place at Broholm Gods on the island of Fyn (see top photo, second page). This is the castle the groom will inherit one day. But the couple will live at the bride's home of Egeløkke Gods in the northern part of Langeland, an island south of Fyn. The bride, Regitze Kaas Knuth, will be in charge of the restoration of her family seat. The groom is Anders Sehested Hjerl-Hansen and is 10 years younger than his 34-year old wife. Regitze is wearing the same order of Vallø Skifts for unmarried noble women that Caroline Fleming's younger sister Duddi wore on her wedding day, and that Frex-cousin Countess Marina af Rosenborg wears to gala-dress occasions, for example, the 2004 wedding. The bride's lace came from the same French firm that created the lace for Kate Middleton's wedding dress, Sophie Hallette. As a reminder: this is the life that Mary actually pretended through a series of interviews to have actually come from. She wanted us to believe that she's actually landed gentry, from a world of inherited wealth and ponies. Mary must be livid every time BB publishes photos from the lives of actual noble women, since it puts the spotlight on her lies. McCann Group to the rescue?

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