Saturday, May 28, 2011

Billed Bladet #21: Marie, the Sacrificial Lamb

"Marie Must Stay Home!" scream the headlines! The reference is to the fact that Joachim will be skipping his cousin Nathalie's wedding in Berleburg, Germany in a couple of weeks because he must remain in Denmark as regent. You already know the facts and consequences of the regency law; it's the one that keeps a born member of the royal family in Denmark at all times. The real story is the two-fold attack - in BB's special, subtle way - on Crown Princess Mary of Donaldson.

For one thing, there is nothing keeping Marie away from the wedding, but she is being a very supportive wife and mother to a young child by staying with her family. Subtext: remember Mary traipsing to Australia in her second trimester with underweight babies and no wedding rings to air guitar with her washed up bestie in a strapless, shit-brown harem jumpsuit avec pantylines? Sticking it to your husband from a lame party halfway across the world is NOT royal.

Additionally, by remaining home, Marie shows us that she understands that duty and supporting her husband are more important than chatting with people you just saw a month ago anyway just to wear a diademe and leave with a party bag of Jordan almonds. Subtext: Mary will do anything to play dress up in front of the cameras, in a dime store tiara and German-designed dress, to have her photo taken. She wants us to know that she deserved Wills & Kate's wedding, but minor German nobility is the only invite she can snag.

Maxima gets big Danish style points for wearing red and white, the national colours.

Everything is wrong with this. Crown Princess Mary makes her annual pilgrimage to this equestrian event with riding "friend" Charlotte Velin, an attorney and friend of the royal family. Charlotte has been sucked into this PR event nearly every year - even down to having to personally escort the children when they were (too) young - and that can't change even though Fred has to also be there for damage control this year. Poor Izzy. Even though the nannies have managed to braid the hair out of her face, she still looks so tense around her More. Her expression seems to say, "Joizuz, More, would you just.stop.prancing? This Tourette's of yours is killing me. You are not actually a horse. I am not a horse. Stop making me play on the course as if I were an animal, ruining it for the riders."

Izzy's thought bubble: "I know. Can you believe it? Only when you camera people are around does she pretend to take an interest in my well-being. I have a frickin' club foot and this is all the attention it will ever get. Don't worry, I'm on to it."

With all of the financial resources and style mavens surrounding her that Crown Princess Mary could stop looking like Bogan Mary Donaldson and her Ugly Sisters. Really, Mary? Gray clothing, dirty hair pulled back in a bathroom clip, jeans too tight to show the world you still got it (although "it" isn't what you think it is). It looks like you rolled out of bed twenty minutes ago. Even Fred is dressed in the manner of the chic upper classes out for a day at a horsing event.

Note to Mary: it is not ok to let your spastic children "let off some steam" by ruining the course, nor is it ok to bring the damn dog. You couldn't possibly really love horses, Mary Donaldson!

Oh, dear. That Christian! Doing the Boganson Family Victory Dance that granpappy Professor Jock 'Half-Mast' Donaldson taught him. A little premature, but very promising if the Bogansons actually manage to wrest the throne from a clearly sedated Frederik.

Fred was sent to Africa to meet poor and sick people for sympathy points, but all BB can reward him with is a tiny little mention on the page break. Royal Joachim got a 4 page spread when he brought joy and meaning to Africa's lives! Hm, there are also no Katja out-on-the-town shots this week. BB is definitely leaning Team Schackenborg for the time being. C'mon, Fred, rally!

Joachim was definitely pressed into action handing out prizes to winning Danes. He's always reliable for a princely showing!

And to increase his "regular Joe" street cred, Joachim was sent to a typically Danish sausage cart to buy a hot dog. This is what Mary's PR team should be doing! Playing to sister's strengths: shoving weinies into her mouth. Danes would eat it up like Taswegian, ute-shagging, used-car salesmen used to.

So, Princess Josephine's baptismal gown looks like the one that came from the Swedish side of the family via Ingrid. Noice coincidence. Princent wore the historic Danish gown. Was Mary Donaldson baptised? Funny how we've never seen photies of Mary doing anything religious from her Hobart days. Does she just not show up on film anywhere within steps of a church?

The Australian Ambassador, James Choi, has invited Freckles and Morey to the embassy to meet and greet Aussies on the occasion of the twins' birth. All this is, however, is a freebie pickup and photo opportunity. If this party is fun, the guest list good and the presents acceptable, look for James Choi later on as having received particular graces and favours from the Countess of Monpezat.

Bubbles! From the top left corner, clockwise. Danes aren't actually racist, just a tad xenophobic.
Marie: "Keep it together until the speakers are through."
Joachim: "Frederik has clearly been speaking Korean all day."
Marie: "Did you remember to set the video to record Landskampen?"
South Korean President: "Let's open with a karoake duet!"
Marie: "Oh, this'll be a fun evening."

Michelle Obama has invited Daisy and Henri to the White House for tea. How lovely! A courtesy not extended to Derf and Yrma on their tour to introduce Americans to the New Jackie Kennedy. #DanishdiplomacyFAIL.

Hedging their bets, Royal Mailbag this week concentrates on the British queen, keeping the flame alive for more Kate Middleton articles to push Mary off the page.

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