Sunday, April 24, 2011

Billed Bladet #16: The Christening Issue: Team Freddles v. Team Boganson

"I'm So Proud of My Children". Pfff. BB wastes no time showing you the real story: the competition between royal Team Freddles and hillbilly Team Boganson. All family members in this cover shot are leaning toward Frederik! Not only that, but Mary's located portside, at the binding. At the newsstand, the mags will be staggered so that many copies of Fred's fuzzy mug holding a sweet babe will be exposed. Mary who! But the other story is how so many people from way back in both Mary's and Fred's past lives are being pulled to the surface so that they each see new faces in an effort to out-intimidate each other and strengthen their own hands. What a circus!

Of all of the lovely moments of the ceremony marking the entry into the church of the (yay! well-fed and growing) twins, what does BB choose to highlight once you open the mag? The Sluuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrppppppson Family PR Walk along the high, green walls of Kastellet, two paces from Amalienborg. Interesting symbolism since Kastellet is a medieval, 5-star fortress along the harbour front. Team Boganson has been listening to the advice of Rob Roy Woadbod and kidnapped a clearly subdued, comatose Fred and surrounded him with ocker accents and high-fiving peacocking on this symbolic ruin in front of BB's very responsive photographer and "reporter". Better than the shoreline at Port Seton! Mary's prop of choice today is not a royal gargoyle, but a pricey, though not professional, camera. So what the batteries are dead, looks are all that matter today!

Poor Patty. Trying so hard to imitate Mary's faux-horsey set/English countrygirl look as she did on the Looker Me! Tour #3. At least Mary wears Wellies with skin-tight jeans, not overwashed, pre-stressed baggy jeans with boots bought 50% off at the outlet store in the outer suburbs and a white silk pirate shirt. The woman in red is married to the son (in green jumper) of Mary's mother's older sister, Auntie Catherine Murray from Scotland (see another photo of the three below). So Mary's mother Henrietta seems to have brought the hirsute gene into the family pool!

All the "friends" and Scottish cousins on this little outing are playing their parts very well. Josephine Rechner puts a well-timed and perfectly executed arm around Mary. Too bad "loving, maternal gesture to motherless Mary who deserves everything she has" is belied by Josephine's conspiratorial smile and upper arm hold (and Mary's lack of mirrored gesture - all take and no give, that one!) to look more like "kid, you gotta fight these bastards - he's more of a weakling than you described. Oh yeah, like this you wanted? Put my arm around you like this?"

Mary's even wearing the clan's military uniform - khaki field jacket with faux-tattoo embroidery on the back (is that the Boganson double-headed, "infinity" imperial eagle in a sort of gang avatar a la a Hobart middle aged Cougar lady angel wings back tat? We're looking at YOU, Patty!). Papa 'Half-Mast' Donaldson is wearing his matching gold signet pinkie ring. John Stuart is saluting the photographers with his "little" John, a direct, mano-a-mano assault on Freddles' Monsieur Piss in a French swimming pool ("'Ere's a didgeridoo, mate, 'at's a didgeridon't!") with a prettier version of Amber Petty, proving the Bogansons are trying to wield a pretty big stick against the royals.

Oh, yes, the baptism! BB's editors nearly forgot! "Our lovely family". Hm. Interesting how the page seam divides Team Boganson from Team Freddles. Too bad Izzy and Xian couldn't change positions, but then again, Izzy is comically looking at her More like she's not sure why the night nanny is in the family photograph. Also, Henrik may actually be the only one who can restrain our Danish Prince John!

Daisy's upper lip looks like it is about to make a run to the top of her scalp, so difficult it must be having to hold a pose standing next to Faux Dano-French-Pictish nobility (not even possible faux French nobility Henrik has a pinkie signet ring!) up from their French "villa", aka a back lot chauffeur's garage apartment rental with satellite dish over the front porch at the foot of Chateau de Cayx. Just a couple more hours, Dais, then you can escape to Aarhus and a private birthday celebration far, far from invading antipodal arrivistes!

Here's little Josephine and 5 of her 6 godparents: Unca John Stuart; Hologram Helle, Baroness Reedtz-Thott; cousin Gustav zu Sayn-Wittgenstein-Berleburg; unpaid LIW & private secretary Caroline Heering; and royal family friend Count Michael Ahlefeldt-Laurvig-Bille. Also goddaddy: the Prince of Asturias, a grand and handsome royal who was - strange for Denmark - on duty for his country in the Middle East (and doing well to dodge the reminder of a very surreal night in Sydney during the 2000 Olympics). A lesson lille Josie will need from someone in her life, might as well be cousin Felipe. Perhaps our little chipmunk-cheeked princess (Down's! Don't be ridiculous! Even Mares can't snow us on such a condition) can have those darling Infantas as playmates one day, go down to Spain and learn some royal comportment and manners from strong role models!

Here's lille Vincent and his godparents: sweet Tantie Marie; Franco-Italian prince Carlo de Bourbon-Dos Sicilias; Aunt Patty; rich landowner Count Bendt Wedell; Birgitte Handwerk, wife of Fred's friend Jeppe (Xian's godfather); and Suitable Australian Blast-from-the-Past Josephine Rechner of Melbourne.

Such a bizarre and childish choice to have a post-christening party at Simon's nightclub on touristy Nyhavn, around the corner from Amalienborg. Royal PR Ball of Anxiety Lene Balleby must have lost sleep for a week! Hm, was this outing a Team Freddles' choice ("there's no problem, I come here all the time! yes, I talk to people when I'm here, and yes, sometimes they're sexy, drunk, barely legal blondes! What? I'm supposed to be rude and ignore them?") or a set-up by Team Boganson ("who's got you right where they want you, Freddo? AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE OI OI OI")? Blood is thicker than water on this exit strategy, though, as Joachim and Marie took one for the team and allowed "Gentleman Fred" to escort them to their waiting minivan. A nice, royal effort! (And pretty dress, Marie!)

Team Boganson was represented by sister Patty, "bestie" Amber Petty in a dominatrix dirndl dress accessorised with toilet paper on her shoe, and Professor Sluuuuuurrrpppson and Son. Team Freddles has in its corner Caroline Heering (wife of the son of Daisy's bestie Susanne), Nina Wedell-Wedellsborg (related to the Pre- and Post-Nup lawyer Henrik W-W) and Mary's Secret Thailand Girls Holiday partner Malou Skeel (don't kid yourself, loyal-to-royals Danes will always side with Daisy's family!) and Alexandra Mousavizadeh. Even Martin Jørgensen came by, but didn't stay. He was apparantly out on his own, and accidentally ran into the royal party. I don't blame him for leaving - who would celebrate new Lutherans in a nightclub with bogans and celebrities? Smart to drive off, Martin!

Others at the club included Fred's old friend, actress Ellen Hillingsø who joined local celebs like a "Strictly Come Dancing" (Danish version) star, pop stars, noted authors, and tv-stars in a bizarre outing. But, wait, what's that!? Professor Sluuuuuurrrrrrppppson plays offense with a very dominant hand grab of a drunk Derf's left (and weaker) paw right in front of the cameras. Shrewd move, Jock, gotta hand it to you! Mary must have been coaching you from the start ("grab him by the balls when he's tired and plastered. Wait, grab his hand, the balls are already over the fireplace"). Fred's face betrays him being caught off-guard. Re-group, Fred, Team Royal needs you!

As a follow-up to that 'palming' Fred took from Mary's father, the entire family with some Aussie hangers-on (the caption says Amber Petty, but the hair says Josephine Rechner), took to a Chris Craft out for a little cruise out in the harbour. Perhaps Jock Boganson directed them out into international waters so that he could speak his mind to Fred about the problems the latter is posing for Jocko's daughter. Perhaps a Post-Post-Nup will soon be in the offering from sollicitor Rob Roy Woadbod? Team Freddles, it's your serve!

Hm, more secret friends suddenly make an appearance! Team Fred needs all the help it can get. Christian Dalum and his wife knew Fred from his time in the 90s working at the UN. There's Cutie Shore Manager Søren Bredvig and his wife (oh, Pixie, I'm so sorry); Søren has worked with Fred's Nan(ny)oq(ker) crew and knew Fred in the Navy SEALs; Baron Ditlev Wedell-Wedellsborg (also related to the Pre- and Post-Nup lawyer) and his wife; First Nanny Mette Hansen who just looks wonderful now that she's escaped the clutches of Mary's nursery and the strange baby Xian; an old high school friend of Fred's Nader Mouzavisadeh who worked in Kofi Annan's UN cabinet; and Fred's Krebs' Skole fellow alumni Squire Jan Tholstrup. Nice response to Team Boganson, Fred, now mobilise them well! Cutie Shore Manager is a great choice (good with naval logistics!).

In contrast, here are Will and Kate's friends, and they aren't secret, since, unlike the Danish crown princess, this British couple are actually kind and giving people who like to have fun and cultivate positive relationships.

Carina gets the nod for Dress of the Week for the dyed pink re-work of sort of sister-in-law Alexandra's cream dress from Izzy's baptism. The lace bodice was re-imagined as a more covered up top and the jacket was probably made to coordinate. Sister loves to borrow! Thank goodness Maxima makes an appearance, though she is the only one in these pages to have not attended the baptism, but she looks radiant in a lovely pink evening dress and gobstopper diamond jewelry. Daisy's hat close-up reveals that she is receiving two different radio signals, one giving updates from the Pictish-Australian warfront, the other from the Ladies' Crafting Network for tips on découpage and pillow needlepoint. Julie Fagerholt, the Heartmade designer, attended the baptism in a very colourful and patterned dress (a la Mary's too-tight Fran Drescher-inspired NYC evening dress from 2008) with fur jacket that actually works in a really strange way - the overriding blue tones throughout?

Yay, Izzy! BB reminds us about how charming our girl really is, and how much Mary disregards her. She's practically pulling sleepy Izzy's arm out of its socket on the way into the church for a baptismal rehearsal. Izzy keeps it real - no paparazzi face like More does for this Walk of Shame.

It's pretty obvious that Mary really doesn't care about Izzy's hair. The Vogue style team cut and groomed it for the photo shoot, it still looked good at the Hubertus Hunt a couple of weeks later, but for the baptism, it's pretty clear a nanny scraped her hair back in a little barrette at the last minute. Sigh. And hairdresser Søren was actually in the church - in the back row (check the video) so that he could make a mad dash out to the vestibule to catch Mary before leaving the church again. Mary puts that much energy into choreographing her own hair moments and her little girl can't even get a comb-through?! Does our Lille Prins Henrik have charm or what!? Those Schackenborg boys sure do have a fun and easy rapport! It's clear they are really familiar and comfortable with each other, otherwise a two year old would too easily have been screaming his head off. But our Henrik is made of solid royal stuff. And the Prince of Wales plaid jacket signals it well! Chapeaux, Schackenborg!

Bits and pieces about the christening. Apparantly Xian knows the Lord's Prayer by heart and recites it at bedtime. I guess the nannies are devout Lutherans (no doubt this is one of Daisy's employment requirements) instead of the garbage BB is trying to throw at us about how Fred and Mary have helped him with that. That kid needs all the prayers he can get. Pretty yellow and white flowers for the church, happily replacing pink and blue nonsense; many plants and flowers were from Fredensborg Slot, so again, a Daisy touch! Henrik reveals that while the French-sounding Vincent is not a Monpezat family name as has been speculated, it is the name of the patron saint of wine-growers. Guess who's gonna inherit Cayx!

Fred had a dummy/pacifier in his pocket during the service in case the babies were inconsolable. Surely Nanny slipped it in while he was distracted counting his bottles of scotch. Mary's brooch is the one she got from Daisy when Xian was baptised, so no new push pressie for the 70th birthday tongue-kiss babies. Perhaps Mary is wearing it precisely to show us that Daisy is stingy. Team Boganson's hard serve. Henrik Hviid, who designed the christening gowns of all three Schackenborg boys (as well as Alexandra's second wedding dress) was also at the baptism, even though Mary never wears his designs. Team Fred lobs one right back - good move, Dais!

Interesting question about royal step-mothers! What's that signalling!? Seems that at age 10, Ingrid lost her British-born mother and gained a British-born step-mummy Louise Mountbatten who was to become Queen of Sweden, but as Daisy says, "there was never a great familiarity between Mother and Aunt Louise but Mother showed her a polite respect but never came to love her". Cute photos of handsome and professional Joachim and Alex, and in contrast, the exhausted and puffy Crown Princely Couple leaving hospital with their two little "surprises"!

Phew! Daisy made it out of Copenhagen alive and abated of any and all Boganson influences. Ah, breathe that fresh air! The queen celebrated her 71st birthday at Marselisborg in Aarhus, several hours from Copenhagenn and all Aussie visitor hijinks.

Isn't that Izzy a cutie! BB says that Fred and family will celebrate Easter with Daisy in Aarhus. To be seen to be believed!

Here are the happy royals who will be meeting up with each other in London at the British royal wedding! Daisy, Harald & Sonja, Victoria & Daniel, Maxima & Willem-Alexander, Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean) and Posh and Becks. Too bad no Mosh and Frecks!

Here's the giant supplement on the christening! Coming, and on the rear cover, going!

Princess Josephine Sophia Ivalo Mathilda. Mary is her godmother, as she is godmother to Xian and Izzy as well.

Prince Vincent Frederik Minik Alexander. Frederik is his godfather and technically, in the Lutheran Church, all the others are "sponsors". Says the couple surprised everyone with the inclusion of a Greenlandic name each. It's a beautiful gesture, and one that may speak to Team Freddles' re-introduction of their man-child to the continent he was so in love with until that fateful day in September 2000 when his star started its fateful descent.

Again, BB lays out this photo on the page so that the two teams are distinctly represented. Reckon Henrik's diplomacy and tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt are part of his appearance on the Boganson side of the seam. But his back is turned toward his royal offspring!

Under the heading "Grandmother Found the Christening Gown", BB publishes one of the rare pics of the day with Fred and Mary looking at each other. Izzy is too cute as she greets the guests in the pews. Xian is programmed to look at the cameras that precede them in the aisle - that's a Mama's Boy!

"Princent" wore the traditional, 19th century christening gown that all royal babies wear as he is higher up in the line of succession than his twin sister. Josie wore a gown and bonnet that gran Daisy found in the attic. It was given to Ingrid at the time of Daisy's birth. It's white cotton batiste with short sleeves.

Izzy certainly caught the eye of BB's editors! "A Real Charm Troll" - cuter in Danish than it appears to be in English! She has an absolutely adorable personality and it's great that she could receive some positive attention today. Her spark needs to be nurtured so that it never gets extinguished. Nice of Daisy and the nannies to put our girl in a pink dress. We can't let the Fred-diseases and addictive natures take Izzy away - strengthen her core sensibilities now! Daisy'll get it right on this generation!

Nice little peek up Izzy's skirt does at least confirm that she's out of nappies and toilet trained as she should be!

Good that Izzy was given the task of looking after her brother! What strange movements he makes, but Our Izzy seems to have a calming touch!

Strange escapade to have the royal family and friends hop a tourist barge and head to the palace while drinking champagne in full view of evening commuters. Bad PR move, if one can possibly be made in such a country. On this page in the top photo, we can see Caroline Fleming being greeted by her ex-boyfriend and fellow resident of London Søren Jessen. He's the bloke whose jacket Mary wore on an evening out in London a few years ago, walking many paces ahead of a humiliated Freddles. Also in the picture is Dr. Christian Buchwald, Izzy's godfather and Fred's tennis partner. In the bottom photo you can see Ellen Hillingsø, her husband Christoffer Castenskiold and Prince Nikolaos, among others.

Also on the boat were Henrik with the Schackenborg boys (Marie drove to Amalienborg with lille Henrik), and Auntie Anne-Marie with Prince Richard and Auntie Benedikte.

Among the guests: John Stuart Donaldson, Mary's older brother; Carina Axelsson with Prince Nikolaos and his wife; and Auntie Catherine Murray from Scotland with her son and daughter-in-law. Mary's cousins were among the group on the walking tour to Kastellet the day after the baptism.

Patty Bailey in one of Mary's old dresses (Mary's airbrush makeup artist must have gotten to her - her skin is 10 shades lighter than it was a month ago in Sydney at her new Ovarian Cancer project); Team Schackenborg arrives at the church; and the royal aunties and Aussie gramps.

Also present were Denmark's richest man, Mærsk McKinney Møller, 97 years old, with his 80 year old girlfriend, the mother-in-law to Mary's first LIW, Victoria. There is Nina Wedell-Wedellsborg, her husband and Caroline Ahlefeldt-Laurvig-Bille who is married to one of the godfathers. Actress Ellen Hillingsø and her husband were there as were Dr. Christian Buchwald and his wife Elisabeth.

Jan Friis-Mikkelsen and his pregnant wife. Jan was the man who wrote the song Mary serenaded Fred with at his blow-out 40th birthday party three years ago. Caroline Heering in a dress by Heartmade and Hologram Helle won the gorgeous godmother stakes.

Prince Carlo Bourbon-Two Sicilies and his wife, Italian heiress Camilla Crociani were there with their very cute and well-dressed girls, Carolina and Chiara. Cousin Countess Marina Rosenborg showed up in a dress she found in London; Marina's mother Karin is Princess Benedikte's longtime LIW. Stylist Anja was present with her boyfriend. Also invited were Johan and Rebecca Wedells-Wedellsborg and Julie Brandt with her husband. Johan and Rebecca were the guests of honour at the dinner where Mary was photographed with cocaine queen Rigmor Zobel which sparked an actual controversy with Mary a few years ago. Entertainer Helle Joof was there is a short purple minidress and a boyfriend who knew Fred from their time in the Navy SEALs.

Top pic on the far right is of Kim Vibe and his wife Nine who owned the yacht that Mary and Fred partied on in the Mediterranean in 2009. In the bottom corner are Team DRF: PR flunkie Lene Balleby, Fred's new babysitter Christian Schønau and LIW Tanja Doky. Bottom middle pic is Malene Birger and the shot to the left is of Peter Warnøe, Mary's fake Navision boss and Verbier chalet-owner, with Rose Gad, the wife of Fred's friend Holger Foss who roomed with Fred at Harvard.

Amber Petty made an unfortunate appearance, although her shoes are super cute. In the top photo is Caroline Fleming's little sister Duddi with her husband Nikolaj; they live in London and just christened their first child back home at Valdemars Slot. Below them are Ditlev Ahlefeldt-Laurvig and his wife Jean who works for Georg Jensen.

Caroline Fleming looks totally back in shape after giving birth to her third child in December. She and her Baby Daddy, a Danish footie star, are already broken up. Mary's Thailand holiday buddy Malou Skeel and her husband were there. Also, Caroline Heering's little sister Marie Louise and her husband Mark Høm who photographed the Boganborgs for German Vogue. To the far right is Pernille Wedell, still in her Jewish Messianic wig; she is married to godfather Bendt. She's with Peter Heering, Caroline's husband.


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