Saturday, April 9, 2011

Billed Bladet #13: Bring on the tacky!

This week's cover lets us know that even though she's not yet back filling up the pages with her newfound skinny post-baby body posing, Mary is ready to "surprise the guests" at the twinsie's christening! "Huge party and a canal tour". Inside BB shows us the venues for the low grade fun Mary will be planning. After Izzy's post-church BBQ and pool party that excluded pregnant godmummy Alexia and probably shocked Catholic and correct Mathilde, no wonder no royals will be among the guests next week! BB adds a small photo of Daisy in the corner dressed in fatigues to underline that Mary is under close scrutiny from the Danish Army, who is prepared to strike if necessary, Anti-Bogan Defense Missiles at the ready! Aren't our Schackenborgers delightfully regal! Loving the contrast between Mama's Boy Fweddie with his taskmistress wife and the photo of the successfully solo Joachim and Marie who wear their national costumes so very well. Marie's beaded collar is so much prettier than any others we've seen - the garland effect at the ends is much nicer and makes it look scalloped. The smaller photo of the current queen with her father the king lace together the fact that co-dependent Derf came from the same stuff as elegant Joachim and therefore nothing would be lost if the throne passed to the less addiction-riddled branch of the family! Don't the boys look like they've had an incredible experience being in Greenland for the first time with their father and step-mother! There is clearly a lot of ease and comfort between all members of the family. It's nice to see Nikolai and Marie holding hands. He's getting to an age where affection toward others, especially parents, isn't as common, so it's nice to see this demonstration that he and Marie are actually on good terms. How comforting for these boys to know that so many people love them and have their back! That makes for a healthy adult and more responsive and empathetic king! Joachim continues to set the example of a grown-up royal while visiting a youth and children's centre that he's helped in his capactity as chairman of The Royal Greenland Fund. A noble cause and position worthy of a future king! Marie's pretty lavender jersey suit was the perfect springtime note on a visit to Billund airport. The gathering at the bust might be better suited to plump up a more flat chested woman and therefore, not so necessary on our curvilicious princess, but otherwise, bien jouée, madame! In the Royal Roundup, cute photos of Victoria and Daniel being surprised and amused by one of the naked performers in a recent revue they attended. Can you imagine Miss Mary Donaldson meeting a half naked guy? In Sweden, this is just silliness; in Mary's mind, she would be gearing up to be put into service. Imagine the awkwardness of the guests present, as her brain would be confused by not instinctively flirting and trying to figure out if the man was worth quite a bit of money, demonstrating the contradiction that is Mary Donaldson: not sexually interested in anyone and yet only knowing how to relate to (moneyed or powerful) men sexually! What we now know about the christening: It will be held at 3:30pm at Holmens Kirke, the church in the centre of Copenhagen that was where Fweddie was baptised and where Daisy and Henrik were married, and there will be about 100 guests. Marie will be one of the godmothers, a bit of a secret spilled that wasn't really a secret at all - tit for tat, as Marie agreed to have godless Mary as one of Henrik's sponsors, a role which Mary probably performs effortlessly (ie, just as fervently as she writes handwritten, perfectly spelled thank you notes within two days of receiving kindnesses from others - not). Mary and Frederik want the ceremony to be a "children's ceremony" which is bound to make Daisy and the royal staff lose their marbles, but the couple is taking into account that their friends and family also have young children. Great, more "kids-first" parenting! Afterwards, there will be a reception at the couple's new home, in the Knight's Hall, the largest room in the house. The guests will be taken to Amalienborg by canal boat. Free beer in plastic cups and shell-your-own peanuts! No word on whether there will be free entertainment by the Boganson Family Band with Unca Peter on banjo and Unca John Stuart on harmonica (Papa Sluurrrrrrrrrrpppppson will no doubt be too busy manning the keg). One will at a minimum hope that the Canal Boat company will at least hose down the plastic seats from the morning's tourist passengers where kids have left sticky candy floss marks and the adults have spilt beer. Danes will be hoping that the young family will take to the balcony for a quick hello and thank you and one of the kids getting sick all over the crowd below. At 8pm, there will be a dinner for 60 with no word on what kind of menu or evening entertainment that Mary's concocted! If Amber's in town, expect some air guitaring past midnight on the new roof eyrie - damn the neighbours and their work night sleep habits! In an attempt to remind Miss Thang just who is in charge here, Daisy put on her war khakis and showed up in Afghanistan to show Mary just who is commander in chief of the Army. 'You wanna fuck this up for yourself, sister? Think carefully', Daisy seems to say. Wonderful work for the Jyllandsprinsesse! Marie drove up a bit from Schackenborg to the airport at Billund to open a new air route between that town and Paris. This is great news for the Jutland economy! Billund is where you fly in to go to Legoland, and it is located in the centre of Jutland, for easy access to Aarhus, the sandy western coast, or any other myriad spots on that wonderful peninsula that are full of history, beauty and tradition, but are unfortunately not on most people's itineraries. Now Lego can advertise easily to a new French customer base! Bubbles! - as always - gives you the truth behind the clown princely couple. Fred to Izzy: "You come home now right after skiing." Fred: "Who you callin' ski bums?" Izzy: "Sorry Dad, but I was carsick." Mary: "Where did I put the twins?" (Nice ringless hand conspicuously at the breathlessly parted lips, Mares.) A sensible concern disguised in a silly letter! Since BB can't be too direct, their letter writer has asked if it is ok that Mary and Frederik take their unbaptised babies on a holiday to Switzerland and if that isn't a risk in case of illness or a madman crossing their path. Malarky, but thank you for bringing up the fact that two underweight premies don't need to be travelling abroad at two months old! BB's interesting response goes on to say that the babies are numbers four and five in line for the throne, and "should something happen to the twins, God forbid, Prince Joachim would become king if their father and older siblings also died." Crickey! Why even bring it up!? But they did bring it up. Setting the stage, planting the seed, slowly getting Denmark used to a Schackenborg reign! Master of Ceremonies and royal court bossyboots Christian Eugen-Olsen celebrated his 70th birthday at Christiansborg Slot. Oddly, BB has chosen to highlight all of the kissing with the royal ladies in waiting. How very considerate of Prince Henrik to show up and have a nice chat with the guests. Such thoughtfulness would never be employed by unroyal Crown Princess Mary! Next to an article on tennis star Caroline Wozniacki and under a headline that proclaims Love Is More Important Than Tennis, BB shows the young pro with Freddie, reminding us of Fred's historically high appetite for young, beautiful, Danish female flesh, and underscoring that if Miss Caroline were born just a little earlier, she might have been one of Fred's menu items. But as it is, he looks more dejected than one of Caroline's weaker opponents! That's the Donaldson Effect! BB puts a very small notice in their inside cover to let us know that a small gym has been installed at Amalienborg for the entire royal family to take advantage of. Hint hint, Fred. You're going the way of your father's physique, and his was at least acquired through good living with friends, food and wine, not self-pity and a critical wife. Harry was in charge of William's stag party and promised a wild, if cheap, night! The cost will be kept to under 25,000 kroner. Ugly strippers and generic beer? Queen Silvia fell ill in France while visiting with the king and had to pass on the official visit the two were to make to Botswana. A shame, as this is such a beautiful country. No word on whether she will be able to travel later to the US where she and Madeleine will be present at a World Childhood Foundation event. A side note is included to say that none of the members of Sweden's royal family will attend the twins christening. Can't blame em! Get well, your majesty!


  1. Hi

    Nice to see you are still posting these.

    Why not submit a post on RD when you update your blog?

  2. Ace reporting as usual the 'Jock manning the keg' and prolly doin' a reel and flashing his prunes, but there again Daisy is accustomed to it!