Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Billed Bladet #37: J&M in Brasil, WWF dinner

BB's cover claims "The Queen's Surprise" as she celebrated with Marie and Mary! The subtitle of course - left to the reader to figure - is that Queen Margrethe is surprised and delighted by her beautiful second daughter-in-law Marie, with her radiant joy, giving nature, and intelligent engagement with the media. A PR win for the Danish royals, that is going some way to balance the less-and-less-mentioned "Poor Princess Mary, bestie of Amber Petty". Yes, Mary is that large - BB didn't have to photoshop a thing!

At the dinner at Fredensborg for the World Wildlife Fund (Henrik was patron, now Baby Frederik has taken over as he's more trustworthy around animals as opposed to humans), Daisy and the Schackenborg bride are dressed up for a low formal event in easy clothing. Madam la Boganista, being a Fountain Lakes kind of girl, is dressed to the nines, and in royal purple, lest anyone get a whiff of the bogan background. It's worth noting that this frock of Mary's copies Katja's recent photosession where she was kitted out in the Colour of Kings - and didn't she suit it! Mary, as usual, manages to make silk look like acetate.

"Three Proud Princes" proclaims BB. Hm, we only see two proud men and the first-born gnome. Turned away from the cameras, Joachim still reaches out for his wife, in a very loving and protective gesture. To give Frederik some credit, he manages a grimace at his wife from time to time - from a safe distance. BB has not recorded Mary and Marie's exit from their limousine, with Mary running ahead, while Marie's automatic, unconscious response to her unpleasant rello is a protective arm across her chest. En garde!

In contrast to the natural expressions of polite conjugal love by his brother Joachim toward La Belle Marie, Derf, aka Crown Prince Frederik of Denmark (sad but true!) has some VERY clinched fists when posing for the cameras with his wife-bot. Funny how the bottom photo shows this francophone royal family all enjoying a larff - en français, en famille. All, that is, except for the typically Australian monolinguist Mary Donaldson of Taroona (Heights, dears) who must turn her back to the cameras lest they discover her ineptitude at even the most basic conversation with her in-laws. Mind you, if La Famille were fond of Mary, they would at least include her with some lean-in body language. Non, non, non. Instead, their collective body language is French for "Aaaaaargh!"

A little pregnancy isn't going to keep Miss Donaldson from strutting down the red carpet in patent, leopard print, f***-me pumps; cascading ringlets (Mary, Snow White you ain't!); and a dress the colour of the acid bile that her liver generates every time she sees a photo of Marie caressing a child or being greeted by happy peasants. BB is happy to report that the film's star, royal friend Ellen Hillingsø, has been accompanied to the premiere party by "her" friends Jeppe Handwerk (Xian's godfather) and his wife Brigitte (who bravely endured a few days of hell on a yacht in the Mediterranean with the royal couple two summers ago). Nice re-alignment of friendships, BB! Seems to be indicative of what is acksherly going on!

Happy Birthday Katja Storkholm!! Doesn't 40 look great on a womanly woman whose life is turning out well!?! Sexy dress, womanly figure, happy, clear-skinned face. Congratulations! Nice Chains of Love headband signalling to Frederik. Isn't son Vitus cute waving the Dannebrog flag? Perhaps we should just start referring to him as V-arius, as he has a predecessor in the Norwegian court. Don't Mor and Far Storkholm look quite proud in the photo below their grandson. They look like they'll be such strong support for Frederik soon - once the time Mary bought with a bit of cunning, drunk-opportune legover and the help of Dr. Yehudi Geldstein has run out (three years?)...

BB splits the week's fashion laureats by giving Marie the Royal Dress of the Week and thereby precedence in the dress stakes over Mary, who copped the Royal Maternity Dress of the Week. Mary will sense the slight, being ultra-sensitive about such things. BB, of course, has to be cunning when it comes to reducing Mary from top rung - but BB gets braver by the issue!

The capable and professional Prince Joachim and Princess Marie were sent to emerging world power Brazil. They highlighted the important relationship between the South American democracy and Denmark, economically as well as culturally. Quels ambassadeurs de charme! And how clearly this high-profile trip granted to the second-born indicated that poor little Crown Prince Frederik does not have chops on the world stage. Where was Fred sent? On an obscure mission to Singapore, one that sure looked like it was an, um, er, much-needed break from the tough daily grind of an eighth of one engagement a day on average. "Danish Seaman's Church", indeed, winkwink! Whassup, Fred? And what's with the "celebrity rehab", "too down to lift a razor", bearded look?

Unlike her frigid sister-in-law, Marie has a natural warmth around children and takes a genuine interest in them. Can you imagine Mary kissing a bandaged and damaged mulatto peasant child!?

What Mary can do instead is mangle the English language accompanied by cutesy-poo body jerks and giving Diana-eyes to the cameras. Amusing headline, and no one is buying it: "Fred is a fantastic support". Bah-ha! Unless they mean for the beer and wine industry.

Wow. That is one droopy bottom. This pregnancy and middle age will formally signal the end of Mary's "beauty years". Where's Vivienne Westwood's bustle when you need one?

Mary's Diane von Furstenberg dress from 2006 never sold at second hand clothing store Haberdash in Copenhagen, so she took it back knowing she'd need a drapey dress to confuse the press before the pregnancy announcement. Way to be a grown-up, Mary!

Mary: "What a nice necklace. Christian made a similar one for me in kindergarten". Smart of BB to use the excuse of the comics section to apply an accurate condescension to Crown Princess Mary's voice.

Ha! BB calls out Mary for not knowing French saying "she's going to learn French"! That's a crock! Xian Amin Mugabe Ceausescu Beelzebub and his dear sister call Henrik 'grand-papa'. Evidently, Fred has expressed a wish that his children would be fluent in French, but with monolingual Mary around, it's not going to happen! Funny how BB chose a photo of Mary that has her looking just like Wallis Simpson who lived in France with her own royal pixie rudely speaking English to everyone around. As alluded to earlier, there's no advantage for Mary in raising French-speaking kids. Even the temporary honorarium of Countess of Monpezat wasn't thanked, with a little obeisance to French history and culture. Mary, the French are awfully serious about their language and culture - something you have had eight years to note. Strategic fail!

Infanta Elena wore a 27 year old dress to cousin Nikolaos's wedding in Greece last month. Chapeaux, madame! Princess Caroline has a new lover. Mette-Marit wears a man's watch and the up and coming future emperor just turned 4.

Ari Behn hit the town in Barcelona with some cross-dressing friends.

Baroness Caroline is just a few weeks away from giving birth to her third child by her bogan footy baby daddy. Now THAT is a normal sized bump!

BB seems to be supporting the rise of Marie, a food-loving, normal-sized princess, by showing some photos of normal sized, food-loving Princess Madeleine in New York. By contrast, the diminishing (in size as well as stature) Princess Mary of Taroona will be cast further and further outside the mainstream. Madde seems to have a favourite resto, Le Bilboquet, and ran into Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos whom she met at cousin Nikolaos's wedding. His mother is a Guinness and he is related by marriage to the Aga Kahn and the Ford automobile family, so he'd "fit right into her milieu". Or was that just the line he used on her? Hehe. At any rate, Mary Donaldson couldn't attract a rich, young stud like this wonderfully lineaged man.


  1. There is no way that Mary will be leaving hospital with those twins. No smirking photo opportunities this time around for the CP. They will be underweight and in special care for some weeks because Mary is not allowing them sufficient nutrition to grow properly.

  2. In all seriousness, darling anony, I am afraid that you're correct. It's so sad and a real shame that these babies are suffering at the hands of a woman who has the intelligence and resources to know better. If only they could lock her up for it! This is cruelty if ever there was a case!