Daisy and Henri Send Derf Off to Greenland For Male Bonding Hooey, Beg Benedikte to Babysit Mary 'Looker Me!' Boganson at Phony Ascot Event, Then Settle In To Party Professionally With Fun, Happy Dutch Sovereigns!

This woman's face says it all. Over it!

 

 

Daisy's job in this regard is easy: to distract Yrma, dangle phony British, C-list equestrian events in front of Madam and watch her take the bait to accompany your sister (Benedikte must have really owed Daise) to rainy cold Germany to wave to peasants! With Benedikte around, Mary definitely goes into Beta mode, but with all the Scottish weather and horsey related distractions, Benedikte will earn a medal for not eye-rolling when Mary is trying to out-princess Kate, Beatrice and Eugenie. To distract Derfie, Daisy just has to dangle faux masculine, talk dirty with yer mates, Greenlandic camping in front of him and in a heartbeat, wave goodbye to the steamer ship that sends him sailing north. Easy peasy. With those losers out of the country, have some fun by enjoying the company of darling Dutch cousins Willem-Alexander and his fabulous wife Queen Maxima with your articulate younger son and his French wife! Even if there is some pain in watching Alex step so easily and proudly into his role as a young king with his supportive and smart wife beside him. It's so obvious to the Danish queen: Derf is not ready for primetime and vacuous, rude Mary's been no positive influence on him, and Denmark will be better off if Daisy lived another twenty years.

 

 

Daisy: "Alex! They're not here! w00t w00t! We can all relax and have fun!"

Alex: "YES!"

 

Daisy: "I'm in such a better mood with them gone. Soon darling Joachim will be here with Marie!"

 

Marie: "I'm a little tired, Athena is teething and lille prins Henrik is at THAT AGE, but I can't wait to see Cousin Alex and darling Maxima!"

 

Joachim: "C'mon, you all know it's true: I'm a better example of a Danish prince than my bumbling brother."

 

Henrik: "Oh, my dear girl, remember us dancing in Norway and you were pregnant and our tummies were the same size?"

 

Henrik: "Don't worry, they're both in foreign countries, so no pop-in scares or tongues down throats right next to you!"

 

"Hi, I'm Little Mary Boganson."

 

"They made a Danish minister come with me cuz something something they didn't trust her alone."

 

"I wish Mr. Bach were here!"

 

"Now, then, Madam, let's see if you can write your name."

 

"Aw, look at that. Only 4 letters and you've still misspelled it!"

 

 

Maruy. FAIL.

  

"Just smile and nod, Mary, it'll be over soon."

 

"Hm, are there any cameras up there?"

 

"Too bad there are no people to soak up my wonder!"

 

 

"What dat? Excuse me ladies, but I'm trying to be relevant."

 

"Cameras at 2 o'clock! Cue the fake, coy laugh, 3, 2, 1"

 

"Aren't you glad to meet me?"

 

"Try to reign it in, Mary. Bene's here and she'll be reporting back. Give Daisy NOTHING."

 

"Dark clothing and unseasonly matchy matchy purse and shoes. I hope everyone notices my CHIC!"

 

"Pff, we have better fountains in Hobart."

 

"Where is that cameraman going? I'm over here, mate."

 

"I'm wearing a really expensive brooch. I hope everyone notices."

 

"Pff, my sister Patty does aerobics, too. Next!"

 

"Cue the I Love Animals look, hold the horse, turn head down. Try to look soft."

 

"OK, soft doesn't work. Stick out the ol' baboon bum. We'll just try different shots with the horse."

 

The proper way to commune with a horse.

 

Nathalie is so over it.

 

Psst, Mares, legs together, girl.

 

"I'll give the cameras a little Mary Candy! Uplift on the swan neck and a better angle on my new pouty upper lip!"

 

"OK, now look contemplative and seductive!"

 

"Um, ok, this horse thing is going away soon, right? He's blocking my cameras."

 

"Tune her out and look blankly into the distance. Ascending stairs is very romantic and Bronte-esque, whatever that is. Tanja told me about it."

 

"Hihihihi. Tee hee. I so cute."

 

"I love a dramatic signature shot! M-A-uh, R-Y, right? Phew!"

 

Aw, Mary matched her bra to her eyeshadow to her nail polish!

 

"Lots of head cocking, Mary! It's VERY Kate. The Daily Mail WILL notice."

 

"Hihihi. Cameras everywhere!!"

 

"That person needs to be noticing ME. Coo-coo! Look over here!"

 

"I may not have understood her, but that won't keep me from maniacally laughing to show everyone how much the Danish royals LOVE me. Hihihihihihi!"

 

"Let's see, how does Maxima wave?"

 

 

"Max Markson is under contract to show this to the queen. The REAL one - in England! See, Liz? We are made of the same stuff! Invite me to things!"

 

"Hm, maybe these 4 inch heels were a bit of a mistake on soggy soil."

 

"Nah. My legs never looked better! I'll walk in front of Benedikte so people notice me more!"

 

Meeting Eurovision winner Emmelie de Forest (so wish it had been good friend Emilie Jerichau!)

 

Stained jacket. Nice, Mary.

 

"Too much jewellery? Check! Bat shit crazy amount of makeup? Check!"

 

 

Meanwhile, Derfie uses his new whip to open a bottle of champagne. Manly! Sportif! Hihihi.

 "Me and me mates! Hard drinking, tough talking and rough living. Until I get home to Mary and find out how I screwed up and have to grovel and buy her jools until she lets me out of the basement."

 

 

"Hm, maybe I should take this whip home and use it on Mary! Ooooh, no, no. She'd think it were a sex toy for 'riding lessons'. Can't risk thatty!"

 

 

FAIL: While the Rest of the Royal Family Goes About Their Important Business, Yrma Prepares To Drag Derfie and the Miracle Gargoyles on Latest Junket To Oz: Looker Me, Bitches!

"Aim-bah! Book yer floit to Seedney! Oi'm callin' a moiting! Geet a decent driss fer once. It'll be BEEG!"

 

 

This week, gentle Princess Marie was in Brussels to visit the European Commission, meeting with EU Climate Commissioner and fellow Dane Connie Hedegaard, and NATO, where fellow Dane and former Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen is the Big Cheese. It's gettin' pretty Danish all up in Belgium, hey! Marie was also given a tour of the Main Operations Room of the European Commission's Emergency Response Centre, all due to her own participation in Danish emergency training as patron of the DK Emergency Management Agency. Therefore, it was a topic she could relate to as she's heavily participated - even with kiddos - back at home. Noice!

 

 

 

On the heels of his recent military duties in Greenland, Prince Joachim gave a speech and provided a royal presence at the opening of the Maritime and Fishing Museum in Esbjerg in his "home region" of Denmark, coastal Jutland north of Møgeltønder.

 

 

 

Together, the couple found time to support their friend, the designer Charlotte Sparre. Don't these two look ready to party in the Hamptons? Very preppy in their Oxford shirts and pink! Look at Joachim gazing lovingly at his wife! You never see that chez the Derfsons!

 

 

 

 

Aboard the Dannebrog, Prince Henrik distributed this year's Europa Nostra Prize for European cultural heritage to Henning Larsen Architects in the presence of Erik Vind, royal cousin and husband to Alexandra's first lady in waiting.

 

 

 

Daisy herself was over at the Tivoli theatre making sure the final costume fitting for her own designs went well. They will be used soon in the production of Hans Christian Andersen's "The Brave Tin Soldier".

 

 

 

Hell, even Derfie rolled out of bed long enough to hang out someplace with that nice, sexy blonde lady whose first name is Prime and who has a nice rack. Frex cleans up well for the ladies! Well, the nice ones, anyway!

 

 

 

But nothing beats the week that Madam's had, at least as far as Madam is concerned. Her letter writing campaign, calls to Max Markson, begging to the office of the Governor-General ("why invite those pommie bastards, Quentin? You want HOME GROWN stardom!"), offers of "nice lady company" to Mr. Bach in exchange for string pulling ("We got brown people, too, Christian! Set something up!"), extra incentive payments to The McCann Group-Copenhagen and contacts with various and sundry D-list Aussies has finally paid off. No waiting for the friggin' 50th year celebrations, Madam's face will have fallen by then, and Fred may even be happily married, obviously at that point to someone else. No, MoreMore will be in Sydney this October for the 40th anniversary of the Sydney Opera House! Four months to pack, that should be about right.

 

Time to celebrate Mary the ingenious design and engineering marvel that is the Sydney Opera House, the Danish gift to Australia that the receiving country - in the true spirit of its local bogans - ungratefully fucked up, disowned, and shot down, making so much of an ugly, ignorant ruckus that its sensitive and talented architect Jørn Utzon left the country for his native Denmark vowing never to return to Australia. It is perfect symbolism that Princess Mary of Starmakers, Patron Saint of Ungrateful, Unsophisticated Gold-diggers is coming down to insult honour her new country's one time most shamed Dane in the presence of its current most shamed Dane, El Derfe. The universe weeps, it is all so symmetrically beautiful in its disdain.

 

"GET READY LOSERS, I'm back!"